I'm not sure why I decided to write about this because it's kind of personal, but it's been on my mind lately and I figured why not?
I am a pretty reserved, shy person around those I don't know well. I am kind of awkward with getting to know you chit chat because I find it boring, and I'm too scared to jump to the personal questions or opinions, so I tend to just be quiet.
I'm sure a lot of people think I'm just a snob, but really I'm just terrified to open up. I can't just tell people what I think, feel, and like. Unless of course they ask me directly. Instead I tend to just people watch and pick up bits and pieces about people (and then later sound like a stalker when I mention it to them :) it's great). I like to see who a person is really before becoming their friend because I don't really like flakes or mean people.
Before I got married I felt it was easier to make friends. I was still shy and reserved around those I didn't know, but because I had more of an opportunity to be consistently around people in my classes at school, my job or with roommates I quickly adjusted and soon became friends with people. Usually I was the one that had to step outside my comfort zone to be friends, but it usually ended up being worth it. Once I got married making friends probably became the hardest thing in the world. Harder than being married (which is a piece of cake by the way).
I had moved to Utah, so the only person I really knew was Sam. I didn't have a job at first so I was a little lonely but I figured I would make friends eventually. Ha, little did I know it took forever! The first friend I made was a girl from my work. We had been on the same team for like oh six months? Our cubicles were right next to each other, we had been hired/trained at the same time and yet we didn't even talk to each other. It wasn't until we were put on this project of putting call number labels on books that we were forced to either sit in awkward silence or start talking. Luckily we decided awkward was just too awkward.
In my ward though making friends has still been really really hard. It probably doesn't help that it's got 300+ active members. But sometimes I really just feel lost. We've been there for three and a half years (which is really long for this ward). There have been plenty of people that I would have loved to get to know, but for some reason I just can't.
Before being kind of friendless didn't really bother me. I worked and then hung out with Sam. He was and is my best friend so it never really bothered me. But now that I've been a stay at home mom for 9 months I have realized how friendless I really am (ha, slight tangent-I dunno who watches 'I Love Lucy' but now I really want to go cry in a park so the Friends of the Friendless will come find me!). Anyways, I love being a mom. It's had challenges but nothing I feel that has made my life hard. It's being friendless that has made it hard.
I did get to be friends with a girl who was the wife of a guy in Sam's major. She had her baby a week and a half before me so we started being friends because of that (before that we kind of just awkwardly acknowledged our existence). But then they moved on to grad school in Texas. Boo. So I became somewhat friendless again.
Today though I guess I just feel a little down about the friendless thing because I'm not sure how to be a friend. Maybe people don't get it when I say we should do something sometime really means that. I personally would just set up a time and thing when I say that but most people would probably think me demanding. Or when I say that I'm literally at home all the time and would love to do something, they don't take me up on it. I'm sure you're probably now thinking, well why don't you just be more blunt with people and say "how about we get together tuesday?" and all I can say is I'm just too darn shy to do that. Plus I admit there have been times I didn't really want friends. I've had some friendships that just overwhelmed me. There was too much drama and despair that I just don't have the heart to deal with it again now that I'm married. I have enough drama going on in my head. That doesn't mean though that I don't want to be a friend to someone during their troubles. It's just hard to be a friend when someone just constantly has troubles ... all the time.
For those of you who do know me well, you're probably thinking wondering where the heck is shy Erin? You're just lucky I guess to know the real me. But for those of you who don't know me past my awkward shyness or have felt like I don't like you, I promise that I really am awesome deep down in my gut. And that if you promise to at least be sunshiney one day a week we can most definitely be friends.
Ok now after reading about how I don't want a friend with problems I feel bad. I hope I didn't come across as I don't want a friend who has problems. I think really what I mean is I want a friend who won't create problems in my life. Everybody has problems. Obviously I do since I'm writing this. I just find it hard to be friends with someone who creates problems in their lives or causes drama. So basically if your life could become an MTV show we're probably not meant to be friends... because really it's only interesting on tv.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is if there's someone who you might think is a snob or awkward, maybe they're just shy and really do want to be your friend.
And I'm done. Here's that Lucy clip I was telling you about earlier. It doesn't have the whole clip but that's ok because it's Lucy. Which I love: Friends of the Friendless
Yeah, I remember the first time we met. You didn't speak to me for like years. At first, I thought it was me, that I had done something wrong, but then I realized, no, it was you. It was you all along. But I got over the pain and now I think you're just the coolest. That's why I will always love you. Because finally, you started talking to me.
ReplyDeleteErin, you are not alone. I think that new motherhood is a very lonely time. Everyone you automatically saw constantly is taken from your life except for your husband, and suddenly effort must be made for interactions to take place. It's hard. Take comfort in the fact that it is going to get easier. When Sariah is older natural friendships will start with parents who want to do play dates and park trips together and babysitting swap and all kinds of things. I find it hard to make social plans with other moms, too. Don't feel like it's YOU, because it's not. You are wonderful and you will get through this tough stage! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI had to come back and read this because I remember this time. It didn't kick in right away, but there was a time I remember just sitting on the couch and sobbing. I had no family of my own in town, and I felt like I was depressed. Even my husband didn't get it, although he's mentioned it since and said he's sorry. It's a hard adjustment, and my personality is a lot like yours. It was almost like I didn't know how to have friends in my new world, or that I needed that. So I think you're going in the right direction already. Take advantage of ward play groups. If there isn't one, try to bring it up. We used to do one in the cultural hall, with permission. Or make a girls night with the ward girls. These things aren't too personal. Just set up a when and where, although it might help to know at least one other person plans to attend so you don't go and feel bad. It is hard to put yourself out there, but when you find yourself saying "Let's get together" ask for a phone number, then you can do the calling. And setting up a play date with the kids is probably less intimidating at first. Also, I have two good friends here, and I think serving each other helped that along. You don't want to be a doormat, but if there's something you can do for someone else, it makes you feel good, but also forges friendships. Oh, and you and Sam should have people over for dinner, also less intimidating. Okay, sorry, done writing my book now. Will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteAunty Jessica