Today I am struggling ... Becoming and being a mom for almost two years now has been one of the best and hardest tasks I have had in my life. I love being a mom. I love my two little girls. I love seeing them accomplish new things. I love making them laugh and smile. I love being with them. I love teaching them new things and watching them learn. But becoming a mom has also made me question who am I. (side note: because I just can't leave Lucy out of this, it reminds me of my favorite episode from "I Love Lucy". She plays a joke on Ricky and pretends to forget who she is and asks him "Who am I? Where am I?" You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjeK-fQn0Tg) I am not just a mom, but because this role consumes most of my life I sometimes feel like I have lost myself. I struggle daily with wondering how should I be when my children are sleeping. How should I spend my time? Do I spend it doing "mom/wife" things like cooking or cleaning? Or should I be "selfish" and use it to my benefit? Should I use it to make and explore my flowers? Should I try something new with wire jewelry? Should I study my scriptures? Or the ultimate task ... should I actually shower today?
Becoming who I am these past 20 something years has always been a daunting task I think, but when my time is not necessarily my time anymore it's become even harder. But at the same time when I look at what I have made myself do after becoming a mom I am quite proud of myself. Many of you know that I "own" a business (really it's just a hobby that someday I do hope to continue into more). I don't think I would have started what I did if I hadn't become a mom.
After Sariah was born I was home all day. By myself. With nothing to do. I didn't really have friends (especially after Jenepher left), and being an introvert made it so being alone didn't really bother me ... most of the time. After creating an awesome kid (no I'm not bragging, it's really true. She's awesome) there's no doubt why I felt the urge to continue creating. I realized that I had stifled my creativity. While growing up I was very creative. I would make doll houses out of shoe boxes, I drew, I painted. But my problem was I couldn't just sit down and create something for no reason at all. So I kind of just stopped as I got older. I'd do something here and there for school projects but most of the time my creativity was left dormant. But after Sariah was born and I was at home all day I realized I wanted to make our home look nicer. I wanted to decorate ... I wanted to *gasp* CRAFT. For those of that don't know I mocked crafts. I thought they were stupid and a waste of time. Until I realized that you could be CREATIVE with crafts and they could fulfill a purpose as well. Something that I need in my creativity. I just cannot be a starving artist who paints my emotions on canvas. I need my creativity to be used. So long story short I started learning more about different things and more eventually got into wreaths.
So fast forward to now. I have been doing this for a year in a half almost. I have come from super crappy flowers to most flowers I'm actually quite happy with. I've learned a lot and when I create I am happy. And the best part about it all is that I haven't quit. If you know me you might know I haven't ever really stuck with something and gone with it. I kind of flit and float. Nothing satisfied my attention. Until now. If I could I'd spend every waking minute doing what I love. But I restrain myself because other priorities come first. And when I do get some time to work on what I love I feel guilty. I feel like my spare time should not be to do my own thing, but to vacuum the floor I'm currently sitting on or prepping dinner (which honestly I don't do. I'm terrible at meal planning it seems). I feel guilty for being happy.
So friends, random strangers who actually read this, and family ... how do you fulfill your role in society and also fulfill yourself? If you're a mom how do you balance that mom role but also make sure you are fulfilled?
In the New Testament we are taught about fulfilling our talents. I feel that this is a talent I want to improve. I want to become better. And best of all I feel this talent helps me serve and show love to people around me. But being a mom is also considered one of the greatest callings here on earth. How can I be the best of both without the guilt? And don't say all I need to do is have a schedule and just get all my cleaning done and then I can work on my stuff ... because really ... the cleaning is never, ever done. And schedules don't always stay in place. Just ask Lucy ;) http://www.hulu.com/watch/438050
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Monday, November 10, 2014
Pregnancies and Birth Stories
It's been awhile since I've written anything :( Life has been so busy. We've moved to Illinois (end of April) and now we've had our second child! I never wrote about my pregnancy and birth story with Sariah, so I thought I'd share both at the same time.
Pregnancy with Sariah
Being pregnant with Sariah was hard and easy at the same time. Maybe it's because I expected certain symptoms would happen that didn't and had other symptoms instead. For instance, I really didn't get sick. I threw up a couple of times and had a couple weeks of nausea and eating only Cheerios. But other than that I was pretty good. I also didn't really hurt a whole lot as I got bigger. No hip or back pain. Instead my symptoms were being exhausted and nosebleeds. Yes, nosebleeds. I have never gotten a nosebleed in my life until being pregnant. It was soooo annoying. I'm sure the people at my job thought I was so weird because I'd have tissues shoved up my nose to stop the flow. And exhaustion? Ugh. I was always tired. Always. It probably didn't help that I got up super early to get to work because that's when my ride wanted to. Oh and another symptom. Incredible grumpiness and dislike towards the general population of people. I'm sure my sister-in-law Miranda thought I was awful. She and my sister lived with us for a couple months at the beginning of my pregnancy when I was my worst. I wasn't very good at dealing with it. Sorry Miranda!
Overall I thought the pregnancy was easy. I could walk pretty easily. I actually didn't even really start to show until I was 7 months. So lots of people didn't even know I was pregnant. The hardest part of my pregnancy was at the end. I got super sick with a nasty cough. I was literally up most of the night coughing so bad that I'd puke when I coughed. Poor Sam. He of course had to be up to take care of me. He'd run the shower nice and hot and have me sit in the bathroom so my coughing fits would calm down for awhile. I went to three doctors when I was sick and none of them ever told me I could take cough medicine, so that was super annoying. If I had known I could take it I probably wouldn't have gotten so bad. I ended up on the ER one night because I was coughing so bad I felt and heard (yes heard) a pop in my ribs. Long story short they diagnosed me with pluerasy (sp?) of the lungs and bronchitis. I was in pain for over a month though. I think I actually cracked a rib but they never saw anything on the x-rays, so who knows.
Sariah's birth
I didn't have any complications with the pregnancy either. Except for the fact that I never could feel Sariah move. That's actually why she ended up being born a week early. I had woken up on a Monday morning early to go to work. While getting ready I noticed I wasn't feeling any movement. I had already gone into Labor and Delivery at the hospital twice during my pregnancy because I couldn't feel her. And of course both times /I went in she started moving just fine when I was hooked up to the monitors. So this time I wanted to make sure I wasn't just noticing the movements. I drank some juice and laid down and waited. I think I may have felt movement two times within the hour. So when my ride for work came, Sam went out and told her that I wasn't going to work and that I needed to go to the hospital. So she kindly dropped me off there before heading off to work herself.
At the hospital they hooked me up and of course she started moving once I was on the monitors. However, the nurse, Shea, noticed that when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions, Sariah's heart rate was going down. She was concerned about that so she called my doctor and he came up to the hospital to take a look. They decided to have me come back the next day to do an ultrasound to check and see if my amniotic fluid was at the right levels and see how Sariah was doing in general.
So the next day, Tuesday, I went to work and told my boss that I needed to change my maternity leave date to start on Wednesday (I originally had it for that next Monday). I didn't know what would happen at my appointment so I to make sure I had time to be ready for Sariah coming. I worked until like 1:30 and then Alison (who gave me rides to work) kindly drove me back to the hospital. She even bought me lunch at work earlier since it was my last day (which was actually a really good thing). I was late to my appt though because there was a huge accident on the bridge. A truck driver drove over the lanes of traffic and off the bridge.
Anyways, I got to my appt. and they did the ultrasound. The lady there said my fluids were fine but that Sariah's heart rate was still going down during contractions. So they talked to the doctors and decided I was only a week away from my due date, let's just induce you. So I went up to Labor and Delivery and got all set up there. My induction started at 4:30 PM. They wouldn't let me eat anything except for fluids. My water broke at 10:30 PM. It was a very weird thing. I was asleep and woke up feeling like I had to go to the bathroom. I woke Sam up saying I had to go and then said but I can't seem to hold it. And then there was a gush. Blech. It was a mess. And they said I couldn't shower or anything after that because of the risk of infections. Which I got anyways because I ended up being in labor for 28 hours.
I was trying to do a natural birth but because I was hooked up to so many monitors I couldn't move. So I ended up getting an epidural at 1:30 AM. That was wonderful. Except my legs felt like hippo legs. It was a strange feeling. I could feel my legs but not the pain.
My body is very slow it seems when going into labor. It took me forever to dilate. I was tired and hungry. And for some reason they forgot to give me sugar water for energy. So when it came time push the next day at 6:00 PM, almost 26 hours after starting the induction, I had no energy whatsoever. I was sweating and feverish because I got an infection. I was tired because you can't really sleep comfortably in those labor and delivery beds. And for some reason the nurse had my lay on my back to push. Worst position ever to try and push a baby out of your body. Luckily Sam had my back and asked them to let me sit up. He also told them that I hadn't eaten since 11:30 AM the previous day and so I was going on a day in a half of no energy. It was then that the nurses realized I had no sugar water. They hooked me up to that right before I started pushing. I was exhausted! It took an hour for it to kick in. When it finally did I did much better pushing.
It took 2.5 hours to push. Sariah got stuck at some point. Her head was twisted and so they had to bring in the vacuum and ultrasound to try and figure out how to get her out. She finally was born at 8:31 PM, February 20th, 2013. She was 7 lbs. 9 oz. Lots of hair and beautiful. She was perfect. One of the nurses even held her up and said "This is probably the cutest baby I've ever seen! And trust me I've seen some ugly babies!"
We got to do skin to skin immediately after she was born while the doctor stitched up a tear I got. Then they after that they took her to bathe and stuff. Sam went with them while the nurse helped me get cleaned up and moved to the maternity floor.
I basically got nothing accomplished that I wanted for my labor except for a healthy baby, which is what's important right?
Pregnancy with Emma
Being pregnant with Emma was completely different. We actually thought she was a boy before we found out gender because it was so different.
I wasn't tired, I had no nosebleeds, and I got nauseous a lot. I had trouble eating for the first while with her. And when I was about 6 months along I started getting this weird sharp pains in my side. They felt like a running stitch. As I got closer to my due date they came more frequently and were more painful. Sometimes they'd last for an hour and completely immobilize me. I still don't know why they came.
Another thing with this pregnancy is that we moved during it. Which I would never recommend doing that. We were right around the time I needed to have the ultrasound to check baby's vitals. We barely found a doctor in time to do that. And I was seen by three different doctors throughout my pregnancy. I saw my doctor in Utah for the first two visits. When we moved I had the hardest time finding a doctor. I wanted a family doctor originally because then I wouldn't have to find one later. That's what we had in Utah and it was wonderful. I knew her already and I wouldn't have to switch around to different doctors for different things. But I didn't know of any doctors in Champaign that did that. So I thought it'd be easiest and less stressful this time to find an OB. However, the OB office I went to wasn't accepting new patients. So I tried the other clinic in town. They wouldn't take me until I had insurance. We were in the process of getting on Medicaid and hadn't yet been approved but that didn't count. So my only option was to go to the low-income clinic. They took anyone without insurance. They would just base your pay on an income scale. Luckily since we had just moved we were poor and so we were low. And then we did eventually get put on Medicaid so we didn't have to pay at all.
I met with a doctor at that clinic for a couple months and then ironically they switched me over to the OB clinic I had originally wanted to go to. So it ended up being good. I didn't get to pick my doctor, but he was a good doctor so I have no complaints. He was friendly and informative. Besides I've realized pregnant women really need to pick and meet the nurses they have during labor. They're the ones that really take care of you the whole time.
Emma's birth
Emma ended up being 12 days late. About a month in a half before my due date, my doctor scheduled a day for me to be induced just in case I never went into labor. Silly me thought there was no way I'd have to be induced 11 days after my due date! Alas, I never even had false labor. I barely had fake contractions.
They had me call at 5 Monday night to find out when I was supposed to come in. They said to come in at 7:30 and to not have eaten. However, when we called I hadn't eaten since lunch and I was not about to starve like I did during my labor with Sariah. So we and got custard and Subway before going in.
We got there and I started being induced a little before 9 PM. They put me on Cervadil (sp?) first. AWFUL. I was in so much pain. I literally had no break between the pain. And my leg kept spasming whenever I would stand so I couldn't walk around. They wouldn't let me bath or shower because of that stupid pill. They also wouldn't give me pain medicine either. I still don't know why. They probably said why, but because I was in so much pain I couldn't really remember much. I was literally hitting Sam in the chest, telling him to take me home right now.
I didn't sleep at all. The next morning they finally took the pill out and let me shower. It was AMAZING. It felt so good. I could barely feel the contractions with the hot water. It calmed me down a ton. The nurses could tell too. When they came back after my shower they said I looked a lot better than during the night. I also got my epidural after that. The anesthesiologist did a great job with it too. I could move my legs enough on my own so that I could move around in bed. I just couldn't walk.
They also put me on pitocin at this time. My doctor came in at that point and was hoping I'd progress to a 10 between 3 and 5 that afternoon. He was way too optimistic. I knew my body wasn't going to go that fast. And I was right. By the time 6 PM rolled around I was still only at a 6. And Emma was having the same problem Sariah did with her heart rate going down during contractions. My doctor took me off the pitocin to see how my body would do on it's on and how Emma would tolerate the contractions. My body didn't respond. The contractions slowed waaayyy down and her heart rate was still going down during those. My doctor came back around 7/7:30 and said I could either wait another day or have a c-section. As hard as it was, I knew my body was probably not going to get very far on it's own. I dunno why it refuses to be so lame. So I signed consent to have a c-section.
I was kind of terrified. I had never an operation like that before. I didn't know what to expect. Almost immediately after deciding to do the c-section, my body started shaking uncontrollably. They said it's normal. I shook the whole time during the surgery and then for awhile after. I also was throwing up because of the medicine. The anesthesiologist was super nice though. She talked to me about what was going on, made sure to put warm blankets on me, held the puke bucket for me and just was really calming for me.
During a c-section you can't feel pain, but you sure can feel them digging around in there. It was so weird. Kind of like an alien wiggling around your insides. Emma was pulled out at 8:41 PM, October 14th, 2014. She was 9 lbs 9.7 oz. She had more hair than Sariah did! And it's nice and dark. I got to hold her almost immediately after they pulled her out and cleaned her up a bit. I didn't hold her long though because I was still shaking and I felt like I was going to drop her the way I was laying on the table. But it was long enough.
After experiencing both types of delivery I have to say for the next pregnancy, I might actually be leaning towards a c-section again. I know there's a lot of stigma with a c-section and natural is all the rave, but after going through it and going through the recovery it's a little less stressful. I was kind of terrified to go through the labor pain and pushing again. I didn't know if I would survive it.
Having a scheduled c-section takes away the anxiety of labor. And the exhaustion you have to endure through the pain and pushing. You're going to have pain after either. So might as well go into having a baby refreshed instead of tired right?
Sariah
EmmaPregnancy with Sariah
Being pregnant with Sariah was hard and easy at the same time. Maybe it's because I expected certain symptoms would happen that didn't and had other symptoms instead. For instance, I really didn't get sick. I threw up a couple of times and had a couple weeks of nausea and eating only Cheerios. But other than that I was pretty good. I also didn't really hurt a whole lot as I got bigger. No hip or back pain. Instead my symptoms were being exhausted and nosebleeds. Yes, nosebleeds. I have never gotten a nosebleed in my life until being pregnant. It was soooo annoying. I'm sure the people at my job thought I was so weird because I'd have tissues shoved up my nose to stop the flow. And exhaustion? Ugh. I was always tired. Always. It probably didn't help that I got up super early to get to work because that's when my ride wanted to. Oh and another symptom. Incredible grumpiness and dislike towards the general population of people. I'm sure my sister-in-law Miranda thought I was awful. She and my sister lived with us for a couple months at the beginning of my pregnancy when I was my worst. I wasn't very good at dealing with it. Sorry Miranda!
Overall I thought the pregnancy was easy. I could walk pretty easily. I actually didn't even really start to show until I was 7 months. So lots of people didn't even know I was pregnant. The hardest part of my pregnancy was at the end. I got super sick with a nasty cough. I was literally up most of the night coughing so bad that I'd puke when I coughed. Poor Sam. He of course had to be up to take care of me. He'd run the shower nice and hot and have me sit in the bathroom so my coughing fits would calm down for awhile. I went to three doctors when I was sick and none of them ever told me I could take cough medicine, so that was super annoying. If I had known I could take it I probably wouldn't have gotten so bad. I ended up on the ER one night because I was coughing so bad I felt and heard (yes heard) a pop in my ribs. Long story short they diagnosed me with pluerasy (sp?) of the lungs and bronchitis. I was in pain for over a month though. I think I actually cracked a rib but they never saw anything on the x-rays, so who knows.
Sariah's birth
I didn't have any complications with the pregnancy either. Except for the fact that I never could feel Sariah move. That's actually why she ended up being born a week early. I had woken up on a Monday morning early to go to work. While getting ready I noticed I wasn't feeling any movement. I had already gone into Labor and Delivery at the hospital twice during my pregnancy because I couldn't feel her. And of course both times /I went in she started moving just fine when I was hooked up to the monitors. So this time I wanted to make sure I wasn't just noticing the movements. I drank some juice and laid down and waited. I think I may have felt movement two times within the hour. So when my ride for work came, Sam went out and told her that I wasn't going to work and that I needed to go to the hospital. So she kindly dropped me off there before heading off to work herself.
At the hospital they hooked me up and of course she started moving once I was on the monitors. However, the nurse, Shea, noticed that when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions, Sariah's heart rate was going down. She was concerned about that so she called my doctor and he came up to the hospital to take a look. They decided to have me come back the next day to do an ultrasound to check and see if my amniotic fluid was at the right levels and see how Sariah was doing in general.
So the next day, Tuesday, I went to work and told my boss that I needed to change my maternity leave date to start on Wednesday (I originally had it for that next Monday). I didn't know what would happen at my appointment so I to make sure I had time to be ready for Sariah coming. I worked until like 1:30 and then Alison (who gave me rides to work) kindly drove me back to the hospital. She even bought me lunch at work earlier since it was my last day (which was actually a really good thing). I was late to my appt though because there was a huge accident on the bridge. A truck driver drove over the lanes of traffic and off the bridge.
Anyways, I got to my appt. and they did the ultrasound. The lady there said my fluids were fine but that Sariah's heart rate was still going down during contractions. So they talked to the doctors and decided I was only a week away from my due date, let's just induce you. So I went up to Labor and Delivery and got all set up there. My induction started at 4:30 PM. They wouldn't let me eat anything except for fluids. My water broke at 10:30 PM. It was a very weird thing. I was asleep and woke up feeling like I had to go to the bathroom. I woke Sam up saying I had to go and then said but I can't seem to hold it. And then there was a gush. Blech. It was a mess. And they said I couldn't shower or anything after that because of the risk of infections. Which I got anyways because I ended up being in labor for 28 hours.
I was trying to do a natural birth but because I was hooked up to so many monitors I couldn't move. So I ended up getting an epidural at 1:30 AM. That was wonderful. Except my legs felt like hippo legs. It was a strange feeling. I could feel my legs but not the pain.
My body is very slow it seems when going into labor. It took me forever to dilate. I was tired and hungry. And for some reason they forgot to give me sugar water for energy. So when it came time push the next day at 6:00 PM, almost 26 hours after starting the induction, I had no energy whatsoever. I was sweating and feverish because I got an infection. I was tired because you can't really sleep comfortably in those labor and delivery beds. And for some reason the nurse had my lay on my back to push. Worst position ever to try and push a baby out of your body. Luckily Sam had my back and asked them to let me sit up. He also told them that I hadn't eaten since 11:30 AM the previous day and so I was going on a day in a half of no energy. It was then that the nurses realized I had no sugar water. They hooked me up to that right before I started pushing. I was exhausted! It took an hour for it to kick in. When it finally did I did much better pushing.
It took 2.5 hours to push. Sariah got stuck at some point. Her head was twisted and so they had to bring in the vacuum and ultrasound to try and figure out how to get her out. She finally was born at 8:31 PM, February 20th, 2013. She was 7 lbs. 9 oz. Lots of hair and beautiful. She was perfect. One of the nurses even held her up and said "This is probably the cutest baby I've ever seen! And trust me I've seen some ugly babies!"
We got to do skin to skin immediately after she was born while the doctor stitched up a tear I got. Then they after that they took her to bathe and stuff. Sam went with them while the nurse helped me get cleaned up and moved to the maternity floor.
I basically got nothing accomplished that I wanted for my labor except for a healthy baby, which is what's important right?
Pregnancy with Emma
Being pregnant with Emma was completely different. We actually thought she was a boy before we found out gender because it was so different.
I wasn't tired, I had no nosebleeds, and I got nauseous a lot. I had trouble eating for the first while with her. And when I was about 6 months along I started getting this weird sharp pains in my side. They felt like a running stitch. As I got closer to my due date they came more frequently and were more painful. Sometimes they'd last for an hour and completely immobilize me. I still don't know why they came.
Another thing with this pregnancy is that we moved during it. Which I would never recommend doing that. We were right around the time I needed to have the ultrasound to check baby's vitals. We barely found a doctor in time to do that. And I was seen by three different doctors throughout my pregnancy. I saw my doctor in Utah for the first two visits. When we moved I had the hardest time finding a doctor. I wanted a family doctor originally because then I wouldn't have to find one later. That's what we had in Utah and it was wonderful. I knew her already and I wouldn't have to switch around to different doctors for different things. But I didn't know of any doctors in Champaign that did that. So I thought it'd be easiest and less stressful this time to find an OB. However, the OB office I went to wasn't accepting new patients. So I tried the other clinic in town. They wouldn't take me until I had insurance. We were in the process of getting on Medicaid and hadn't yet been approved but that didn't count. So my only option was to go to the low-income clinic. They took anyone without insurance. They would just base your pay on an income scale. Luckily since we had just moved we were poor and so we were low. And then we did eventually get put on Medicaid so we didn't have to pay at all.
I met with a doctor at that clinic for a couple months and then ironically they switched me over to the OB clinic I had originally wanted to go to. So it ended up being good. I didn't get to pick my doctor, but he was a good doctor so I have no complaints. He was friendly and informative. Besides I've realized pregnant women really need to pick and meet the nurses they have during labor. They're the ones that really take care of you the whole time.
Emma's birth
Emma ended up being 12 days late. About a month in a half before my due date, my doctor scheduled a day for me to be induced just in case I never went into labor. Silly me thought there was no way I'd have to be induced 11 days after my due date! Alas, I never even had false labor. I barely had fake contractions.
They had me call at 5 Monday night to find out when I was supposed to come in. They said to come in at 7:30 and to not have eaten. However, when we called I hadn't eaten since lunch and I was not about to starve like I did during my labor with Sariah. So we and got custard and Subway before going in.
We got there and I started being induced a little before 9 PM. They put me on Cervadil (sp?) first. AWFUL. I was in so much pain. I literally had no break between the pain. And my leg kept spasming whenever I would stand so I couldn't walk around. They wouldn't let me bath or shower because of that stupid pill. They also wouldn't give me pain medicine either. I still don't know why. They probably said why, but because I was in so much pain I couldn't really remember much. I was literally hitting Sam in the chest, telling him to take me home right now.
I didn't sleep at all. The next morning they finally took the pill out and let me shower. It was AMAZING. It felt so good. I could barely feel the contractions with the hot water. It calmed me down a ton. The nurses could tell too. When they came back after my shower they said I looked a lot better than during the night. I also got my epidural after that. The anesthesiologist did a great job with it too. I could move my legs enough on my own so that I could move around in bed. I just couldn't walk.
They also put me on pitocin at this time. My doctor came in at that point and was hoping I'd progress to a 10 between 3 and 5 that afternoon. He was way too optimistic. I knew my body wasn't going to go that fast. And I was right. By the time 6 PM rolled around I was still only at a 6. And Emma was having the same problem Sariah did with her heart rate going down during contractions. My doctor took me off the pitocin to see how my body would do on it's on and how Emma would tolerate the contractions. My body didn't respond. The contractions slowed waaayyy down and her heart rate was still going down during those. My doctor came back around 7/7:30 and said I could either wait another day or have a c-section. As hard as it was, I knew my body was probably not going to get very far on it's own. I dunno why it refuses to be so lame. So I signed consent to have a c-section.
I was kind of terrified. I had never an operation like that before. I didn't know what to expect. Almost immediately after deciding to do the c-section, my body started shaking uncontrollably. They said it's normal. I shook the whole time during the surgery and then for awhile after. I also was throwing up because of the medicine. The anesthesiologist was super nice though. She talked to me about what was going on, made sure to put warm blankets on me, held the puke bucket for me and just was really calming for me.
During a c-section you can't feel pain, but you sure can feel them digging around in there. It was so weird. Kind of like an alien wiggling around your insides. Emma was pulled out at 8:41 PM, October 14th, 2014. She was 9 lbs 9.7 oz. She had more hair than Sariah did! And it's nice and dark. I got to hold her almost immediately after they pulled her out and cleaned her up a bit. I didn't hold her long though because I was still shaking and I felt like I was going to drop her the way I was laying on the table. But it was long enough.
After experiencing both types of delivery I have to say for the next pregnancy, I might actually be leaning towards a c-section again. I know there's a lot of stigma with a c-section and natural is all the rave, but after going through it and going through the recovery it's a little less stressful. I was kind of terrified to go through the labor pain and pushing again. I didn't know if I would survive it.
Having a scheduled c-section takes away the anxiety of labor. And the exhaustion you have to endure through the pain and pushing. You're going to have pain after either. So might as well go into having a baby refreshed instead of tired right?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Easiest DIY craft in the world ... literally.
I was in a crafty mood today and wanted to revamp something easy that I wouldn't miss if I messed up and I came out with this! I have been wanting to make something look antique looking and had looked on Pinterest for tutorials but most of them used materials I didn't have lying around the house. So I improvised with what I had and quite happy about it too!
Here is the picture of paint and brush I used.
Let's get started!
First take you frame and start painting your base color. You can do any color you want. Here is my before frame (you can see I had already started painting ... I decided last minute I wanted to share a post about this):
I actually kind of liked how it looked with just the brown, but we have brown everything it feels and I wanted a nice color so I didn't give in to the urge to just stop here.
Next I painted my teal on. I really only did one coat. You'll see why you need a cheap brush for this step. The paint doesn't go on nice and smooth with a cheap brush and so it leaves spots where the brown can show through. I dried it with my hair dryer and then touched up some spots I didn't like. And it came out like this!
I seriously love it! I might start attacking other frames in our place! Try it out and let me know how you did!
This beautiful thing took literally ten minutes to make! And is super cheap too!
Want to learn how to make your own? Great! I want to show you! First you need supplies. I had all of mine, but if you don't you literally can spend probably like $4 at the most (this depends on what you get). Here is the list:
1. Cheap frame-I got mine at the dollar store ($1)
2. Paint- I just used my trusty, yet cheap Anita's acrylic paint from Hobby Lobby. I used two colors, a dark brown and then a tealish color. (They are about $0.73 each).
3. Cheap paint brush (see picture below). The cheaper the better. I think I got this in a package of like 6 for $2. You need cheap to help give the antique look.
4. For you impatient folks like me grab your hair dryer so you can dry the layers quickly (and so I stay honest when I say it literally takes ten minutes to do this).
Let's get started!
First take you frame and start painting your base color. You can do any color you want. Here is my before frame (you can see I had already started painting ... I decided last minute I wanted to share a post about this):
I did the dark brown underneath. You don't need to put a whole lot on. Also, I didn't sand my frame (some other tutorials suggest it, but I'm lazy). I think this actually helped because then the paint came out a little streaky, not solid. Which helped with antique look. I did two thin coats and dried each with my hair dryer. Since they were thin coats though it didn't take long.
Here's what it looked like after those two coats:
Next I painted my teal on. I really only did one coat. You'll see why you need a cheap brush for this step. The paint doesn't go on nice and smooth with a cheap brush and so it leaves spots where the brown can show through. I dried it with my hair dryer and then touched up some spots I didn't like. And it came out like this!
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
YOU are beautiful
So I read an article (which you can read here) that addressed the problems with this picture:
This picture caused me to think a lot about the topic of being skinny today. And so I decided it was worthy enough to share here.
During the week I was hanging out with a good friend and we got on the subject of dieting, food, and gaining weight. I want to keep her name private and hope that she doesn't mind me sharing a little of what we talked about. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject but we were talking about dieting and gaining weight and she shared with me about how she had struggled with eating disorders in high school and how now that she has been able to overcome this struggle she has a hard time with the topic of losing weight and dieting. This is a girl who I consider to be quite healthy and trim (except right now she's like super duper pregnant). She said that when she was in high school a doctor had told her based on her weight and height she was overweight (and she was about the same as she is now when not pregnant). I was floored! I could not believe it. It was this statement among other things that made her turn to food problems. But the thing is she was not overweight in my eyes, nor probably others. But the thing is your weight should never matter when it comes to being accepted by others.
I have also struggled with the idea that if I was not "skinny enough" I was not going to fit in. I was not going to have people like me. This thought process made me become more shy around people because I felt if they really wanted to look past me and my looks they had to prove it by talking to me first. I would skip meals because that gnawing feeling in my stomach made me feel "skinny". In my head I thought starving myself was the way to go if I wanted to lose weight. Now, I wasn't anorexic. I didn't starve myself every meal or every day. Just every once in a while I skipped meals because I felt guilty for wanting to eat. My friend said that after she had lost some weight people had told her she looked good. She made this awesome comment "Why didn't I look good before I lost the weight? Why are people commenting my looks when I lose weight? Why can't people say you look good for how you are NOW?"
When I was first pregnant I enrolled in WIC. While there for my first weigh in the dietician told me I was gaining too much weight. Based on my weight and height I could only gain 11-20 pounds ... I had already gain 9. HOW on earth was I only supposed to gain 11-20 pounds? Her comments made me doubt that I was being a good enough mom already. Needless to say, I gained 30 pounds which is still considered healthy to gain. But before that I was terrified that I was gaining too much weight and that I was going to give birth to a huge baby. I had convinced myself I was a bad mother by gaining too much weight.
Looking back at this I realize how ridiculous my thoughts were. My body was providing a home and nourishment for a baby. I wasn't eating unhealthy, and there was no way I could stop gaining weight during my pregnancy because THAT was unhealthy.
You women out there that think your worth is tied to a size or number this message is for you. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. This thinking has taken a long time for me to get to but now that I've reached it and see the struggle you all are going through makes me want to just hug you and tell you to STOP thinking that way! Your weight should NEVER be tied to how you feel in regards to self worth. The only thing you should tie your weight to is being healthy. And by being healthy I don't mean dieting, eating raw, never eating sugar, etc. By being healthy I mean that you are trying to eat what you need to stay alive and to feel good. If you just stop and become in tune with your body you will notice how it feels based on what you eat. When you tell your body it shouldn't have something because it's wrong your body will rebel, which will make it worse.
As gross as it is, our body is connected to our emotions. We eat to live, but we also eat to feel. And when we ignore what our body needs, whether it's carbs, veggies, meat, etc. we are NOT living the way we should. I see so many times women post on facebook or their blogs about their diets and my heart sinks. These are beautiful women who are not only physically beautiful, but have a beautiful spirit. They are moms, sisters, daughters. They are kind, thoughtful, and loving. They are creative, happy, and interesting. Yet they have taken their body as something deemed to be starved and beaten into submission so that they can feel good about themselves. If you are doing what you love, and eating what your body needs you can feel good about yourself. I know that. I have been living it. Before I came to this realization that I needed to fuel my body with nutrients and not cut anything out because it was wrong or some new diet fad "worked" I hated my body. I hated clothes and how I looked in them. I hated being in public. I hated pictures. Now I look at myself and I don't see my extra weight, but I see me. Flaws and all but it's me. And that's what is important.
I urge you to look at yourselves and your way of thinking. Are you cutting out foods because the world has deemed them bad? Are you not letting yourself eat something because if you do you'll feel guilty? STOP. RIGHT NOW. Listen to your body NOT what the world says. There are so many new diet fads out there that say do this, do that to lose weight quickly. It's not healthy! It will not make you happy nor will it probably stay off. Seriously, there are so many times I hear girls say they have to eat this certain way to lose weight and I just want to tell them that they don't need to. They are great the way they are.
Do not feel that having a cookie is bad. It's not. The way you are eating overtime is what matters. I started paying more attention to how my body felt when I ate certain things. Like pizza. I love pizza. And you know what I still eat it. But I don't eat it all the time, because I know that I would feel gross, my body would feel gross. But when I want pizza or when I want fruit that's what I eat. Over time you will realize that your body wants the healthy stuff usually, and that also overtime a little bit of ice cream really never did hurt anyone.
So please, stop with the "I want to be skinny" thought. Start with the "I want to be healthy and happy" thought. Because you will be when you realize how awesome you really are.
The end.
This picture caused me to think a lot about the topic of being skinny today. And so I decided it was worthy enough to share here.
During the week I was hanging out with a good friend and we got on the subject of dieting, food, and gaining weight. I want to keep her name private and hope that she doesn't mind me sharing a little of what we talked about. I can't remember exactly how we got on the subject but we were talking about dieting and gaining weight and she shared with me about how she had struggled with eating disorders in high school and how now that she has been able to overcome this struggle she has a hard time with the topic of losing weight and dieting. This is a girl who I consider to be quite healthy and trim (except right now she's like super duper pregnant). She said that when she was in high school a doctor had told her based on her weight and height she was overweight (and she was about the same as she is now when not pregnant). I was floored! I could not believe it. It was this statement among other things that made her turn to food problems. But the thing is she was not overweight in my eyes, nor probably others. But the thing is your weight should never matter when it comes to being accepted by others.
I have also struggled with the idea that if I was not "skinny enough" I was not going to fit in. I was not going to have people like me. This thought process made me become more shy around people because I felt if they really wanted to look past me and my looks they had to prove it by talking to me first. I would skip meals because that gnawing feeling in my stomach made me feel "skinny". In my head I thought starving myself was the way to go if I wanted to lose weight. Now, I wasn't anorexic. I didn't starve myself every meal or every day. Just every once in a while I skipped meals because I felt guilty for wanting to eat. My friend said that after she had lost some weight people had told her she looked good. She made this awesome comment "Why didn't I look good before I lost the weight? Why are people commenting my looks when I lose weight? Why can't people say you look good for how you are NOW?"
When I was first pregnant I enrolled in WIC. While there for my first weigh in the dietician told me I was gaining too much weight. Based on my weight and height I could only gain 11-20 pounds ... I had already gain 9. HOW on earth was I only supposed to gain 11-20 pounds? Her comments made me doubt that I was being a good enough mom already. Needless to say, I gained 30 pounds which is still considered healthy to gain. But before that I was terrified that I was gaining too much weight and that I was going to give birth to a huge baby. I had convinced myself I was a bad mother by gaining too much weight.
Looking back at this I realize how ridiculous my thoughts were. My body was providing a home and nourishment for a baby. I wasn't eating unhealthy, and there was no way I could stop gaining weight during my pregnancy because THAT was unhealthy.
You women out there that think your worth is tied to a size or number this message is for you. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. This thinking has taken a long time for me to get to but now that I've reached it and see the struggle you all are going through makes me want to just hug you and tell you to STOP thinking that way! Your weight should NEVER be tied to how you feel in regards to self worth. The only thing you should tie your weight to is being healthy. And by being healthy I don't mean dieting, eating raw, never eating sugar, etc. By being healthy I mean that you are trying to eat what you need to stay alive and to feel good. If you just stop and become in tune with your body you will notice how it feels based on what you eat. When you tell your body it shouldn't have something because it's wrong your body will rebel, which will make it worse.
As gross as it is, our body is connected to our emotions. We eat to live, but we also eat to feel. And when we ignore what our body needs, whether it's carbs, veggies, meat, etc. we are NOT living the way we should. I see so many times women post on facebook or their blogs about their diets and my heart sinks. These are beautiful women who are not only physically beautiful, but have a beautiful spirit. They are moms, sisters, daughters. They are kind, thoughtful, and loving. They are creative, happy, and interesting. Yet they have taken their body as something deemed to be starved and beaten into submission so that they can feel good about themselves. If you are doing what you love, and eating what your body needs you can feel good about yourself. I know that. I have been living it. Before I came to this realization that I needed to fuel my body with nutrients and not cut anything out because it was wrong or some new diet fad "worked" I hated my body. I hated clothes and how I looked in them. I hated being in public. I hated pictures. Now I look at myself and I don't see my extra weight, but I see me. Flaws and all but it's me. And that's what is important.
I urge you to look at yourselves and your way of thinking. Are you cutting out foods because the world has deemed them bad? Are you not letting yourself eat something because if you do you'll feel guilty? STOP. RIGHT NOW. Listen to your body NOT what the world says. There are so many new diet fads out there that say do this, do that to lose weight quickly. It's not healthy! It will not make you happy nor will it probably stay off. Seriously, there are so many times I hear girls say they have to eat this certain way to lose weight and I just want to tell them that they don't need to. They are great the way they are.
Do not feel that having a cookie is bad. It's not. The way you are eating overtime is what matters. I started paying more attention to how my body felt when I ate certain things. Like pizza. I love pizza. And you know what I still eat it. But I don't eat it all the time, because I know that I would feel gross, my body would feel gross. But when I want pizza or when I want fruit that's what I eat. Over time you will realize that your body wants the healthy stuff usually, and that also overtime a little bit of ice cream really never did hurt anyone.
So please, stop with the "I want to be skinny" thought. Start with the "I want to be healthy and happy" thought. Because you will be when you realize how awesome you really are.
The end.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Kicking society to the curb
So I have a problem. I have been struggling with my inner core values and how they mesh with societies values. It's been so overwhelming because I have allowed myself to think and feel a certain way based on what I perceive society expects from me.
I am struggling in many different areas but I'll just use the example of my home and myself. I have felt that if my home is not perfectly organized and clean then I am not a good homemaker. I am not worthy to have friends if I'm a slob. Or if I don't have dinner cooked when Sam comes home I'm a bad wife. If I eat sugar and bread I'm unhealthy. If I don't get back to my pre-pregnancy weight I'm a lazy bum. I'm here to say back off society! I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of reading about people who lost all their baby weight in two weeks. I'm tired of feeling like if there's a spot on my kitchen floor I'm a disgusting slob. I'm tired of feeling like if my child has made a mess of her outfit I'm a bad mom.
I read a blog today about why someone loved housekeeping (you can read it here). When I first started reading I was a little skeptical because I thought it was going to be about why you are bad if you're not in love with cleaning. But as I kept reading I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of being in love with housekeeping because it's what society expects, it's all about showing love. And I realized that was my problem. I was so focused on what other people think of me that I didn't realize I should be doing things because I love myself, my family, and those around me. I should clean the bathroom not because I don't want people to know I spilled toothpaste on the counter, but because I want them to feel relaxed and not uncomfortable.
I have felt so out of sorts because I never feel like I live up to standards in society. I'm not a size six, I don't cook dinner every night, I don't clean everyday, my hair isn't perfectly coifed and sometimes I wear my pajamas all day. I need to step back and take a really good look at what I value and what's important to me at the end of the day. I was thinking about this today and feeling inadequate as a wife and mom (I even kind of had a small breakdown). I realized that I had measured my worth as a wife and mom against how well I took care of the home. And then I realized that the only thing I should be measuring is what the Lord has commanded us to do in the Proclamation to the world:
I can't constantly live my life in fear that if I'm not perfect I'm not acceptable. Because I am doing what's important. When I focus on what I'm "supposed" to be doing I stress out and become irritable. I am impatient and kind of mean. But when I focus on Little Girl, Sam, and myself I am happier. When I concentrate on getting the things done that bring the Spirit in my home or doing things because I want to do them I am happier.
It's not a bad thing to have a clean house or dinner ready when Sam comes home if I do them because I want to and because I love my family. It's not a bad thing to do my hair and wear a pearl necklace because it makes me feel good. It is a bad thing though if I'm just trying to live up to the standards of others. So I'm kicking society's rules to the curb. If you come over to my house and it's a mess it's not because I'm slob. It's probably because I decided that cleaning was a little less important that day.
I am struggling in many different areas but I'll just use the example of my home and myself. I have felt that if my home is not perfectly organized and clean then I am not a good homemaker. I am not worthy to have friends if I'm a slob. Or if I don't have dinner cooked when Sam comes home I'm a bad wife. If I eat sugar and bread I'm unhealthy. If I don't get back to my pre-pregnancy weight I'm a lazy bum. I'm here to say back off society! I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of reading about people who lost all their baby weight in two weeks. I'm tired of feeling like if there's a spot on my kitchen floor I'm a disgusting slob. I'm tired of feeling like if my child has made a mess of her outfit I'm a bad mom.
I read a blog today about why someone loved housekeeping (you can read it here). When I first started reading I was a little skeptical because I thought it was going to be about why you are bad if you're not in love with cleaning. But as I kept reading I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of being in love with housekeeping because it's what society expects, it's all about showing love. And I realized that was my problem. I was so focused on what other people think of me that I didn't realize I should be doing things because I love myself, my family, and those around me. I should clean the bathroom not because I don't want people to know I spilled toothpaste on the counter, but because I want them to feel relaxed and not uncomfortable.
I have felt so out of sorts because I never feel like I live up to standards in society. I'm not a size six, I don't cook dinner every night, I don't clean everyday, my hair isn't perfectly coifed and sometimes I wear my pajamas all day. I need to step back and take a really good look at what I value and what's important to me at the end of the day. I was thinking about this today and feeling inadequate as a wife and mom (I even kind of had a small breakdown). I realized that I had measured my worth as a wife and mom against how well I took care of the home. And then I realized that the only thing I should be measuring is what the Lord has commanded us to do in the Proclamation to the world:
" Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and
righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to
teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of
God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live ... . Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."
It doesn't say I need to have the dishes done by 9 am or that I need to be wearing pearls while cooking. It says I need to TEACH, LOVE and NURTURE. So what if there are toys everywhere? It's probably because all of Little Girl's animals decided to attack the cats. Who cares if I have cloth diapers drying in the living room when someone comes over. I was too busy having a tickle fight and teaching Little Girl how to walk. I can't constantly live my life in fear that if I'm not perfect I'm not acceptable. Because I am doing what's important. When I focus on what I'm "supposed" to be doing I stress out and become irritable. I am impatient and kind of mean. But when I focus on Little Girl, Sam, and myself I am happier. When I concentrate on getting the things done that bring the Spirit in my home or doing things because I want to do them I am happier.
It's not a bad thing to have a clean house or dinner ready when Sam comes home if I do them because I want to and because I love my family. It's not a bad thing to do my hair and wear a pearl necklace because it makes me feel good. It is a bad thing though if I'm just trying to live up to the standards of others. So I'm kicking society's rules to the curb. If you come over to my house and it's a mess it's not because I'm slob. It's probably because I decided that cleaning was a little less important that day.
Intuitive Eating: Reject the Diet Mentality
So I'm just now posting about the first section on Intuitive Eating (it took me forever to read it). It's all about rejecting the diet mentality.
What is the diet mentality exactly? For those of you that have been on a diet or two probably know exactly what it means. When you're on a diet, whether it's counting calories, points, carbs, etc. you have your mind so focused on what you can and can't eat that once you're off a diet you still subconsciously think about what you can and can't have. You feel guilty if you have a cookie or eat after six, etc. The diet mentality causes you to think a certain way about food and yourself. Many people who diet struggle with self-esteem, have depression, and are usually overweight. Why? They are overweight because dieters tend to binge when they're restricted. This leads to the depression and low self-esteem because they feel they are failures for not having the willpower to keep to their diet.
After reading this section I really became more aware of the mentality that I have in my own life. I technically have only done one legit diet in my life where I actually kept track of my calories, but looking back at my life since high school I know I skipped meals or let myself feel hungry because I had already eaten "too" much that day. Mentally I felt that this was going to make me feel skinny. I hated feeling like I wasn't good enough to society because I wasn't a certain size or because I loved to eat. I hated that I had to fit into certain unwritten rules to feel good about myself or to that my worth was attached to a scale number.
Rejecting the diet mentality has been a huge release for me. I feel that it's given me the chance to step back and look at how my thought process of how I follow these rules that I don't really have to follow. Or how I don't have to worry about my weight but about how my body feels when eating. I need to be in tune with my body and eat what helps my body feel good and strong, not what makes me skinny. When I let go of the rules I have noticed that I don't eat as much junk. Over the summer Sam and I tried counting calories. We both had a certain amount we could eat every day and so we would hoard them until the end of the day where we would literally eat at least a cup of ice cream every night. We went through ice cream like crazy! After we stopped counting though? We could have a half gallon sit in our freezer for a couple weeks before it was gone. It's interesting how when you restrict yourself from something your body rebels and that's ALL it wants. You probably know how it is.
Many times you may hear people talk about how they're doing a cleanse or a juice fast to detox their body or lose weight quickly. These always made my feel uncomfortable because it didn't seem natural to do. And they're not. Our bodies come with "cleansers" with our kidneys and liver. We don't need to do that sort of thing. And losing weight fast? It's really just water not fat. It's not healthy to lose weight so fast. It causes your body to go into starvation mode which in the long run makes you gain more weight because you will tend to binge and overeat what your body really needs.
My favorite part in this section was this "Nobody can be the expert of "you." Only you know your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You will learn to trust your internal wisdom and will learn to listen to and honor your inner cues (both physical and emotional), all of which feels empowering." I love that! I love the thought that I can take my body back. I can change my thinking from "That cookie will make me fat" to "Do I want a cookie?". Already, by just rejecting this mentality in my life and paying more attention to what my body wants and how it feels has helped me notice if I feel good or bad physically and mentally with what and how much I eat. Obviously it's not perfect since I just started. But I definitely can see a difference already.
What is the diet mentality exactly? For those of you that have been on a diet or two probably know exactly what it means. When you're on a diet, whether it's counting calories, points, carbs, etc. you have your mind so focused on what you can and can't eat that once you're off a diet you still subconsciously think about what you can and can't have. You feel guilty if you have a cookie or eat after six, etc. The diet mentality causes you to think a certain way about food and yourself. Many people who diet struggle with self-esteem, have depression, and are usually overweight. Why? They are overweight because dieters tend to binge when they're restricted. This leads to the depression and low self-esteem because they feel they are failures for not having the willpower to keep to their diet.
After reading this section I really became more aware of the mentality that I have in my own life. I technically have only done one legit diet in my life where I actually kept track of my calories, but looking back at my life since high school I know I skipped meals or let myself feel hungry because I had already eaten "too" much that day. Mentally I felt that this was going to make me feel skinny. I hated feeling like I wasn't good enough to society because I wasn't a certain size or because I loved to eat. I hated that I had to fit into certain unwritten rules to feel good about myself or to that my worth was attached to a scale number.
Rejecting the diet mentality has been a huge release for me. I feel that it's given me the chance to step back and look at how my thought process of how I follow these rules that I don't really have to follow. Or how I don't have to worry about my weight but about how my body feels when eating. I need to be in tune with my body and eat what helps my body feel good and strong, not what makes me skinny. When I let go of the rules I have noticed that I don't eat as much junk. Over the summer Sam and I tried counting calories. We both had a certain amount we could eat every day and so we would hoard them until the end of the day where we would literally eat at least a cup of ice cream every night. We went through ice cream like crazy! After we stopped counting though? We could have a half gallon sit in our freezer for a couple weeks before it was gone. It's interesting how when you restrict yourself from something your body rebels and that's ALL it wants. You probably know how it is.
Many times you may hear people talk about how they're doing a cleanse or a juice fast to detox their body or lose weight quickly. These always made my feel uncomfortable because it didn't seem natural to do. And they're not. Our bodies come with "cleansers" with our kidneys and liver. We don't need to do that sort of thing. And losing weight fast? It's really just water not fat. It's not healthy to lose weight so fast. It causes your body to go into starvation mode which in the long run makes you gain more weight because you will tend to binge and overeat what your body really needs.
My favorite part in this section was this "Nobody can be the expert of "you." Only you know your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You will learn to trust your internal wisdom and will learn to listen to and honor your inner cues (both physical and emotional), all of which feels empowering." I love that! I love the thought that I can take my body back. I can change my thinking from "That cookie will make me fat" to "Do I want a cookie?". Already, by just rejecting this mentality in my life and paying more attention to what my body wants and how it feels has helped me notice if I feel good or bad physically and mentally with what and how much I eat. Obviously it's not perfect since I just started. But I definitely can see a difference already.
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