Who am I? Where am I?

Today I am struggling ... Becoming and being a mom for almost two years now has been one of the best and hardest tasks I have had in my life.  I love being a mom.  I love my two little girls.  I love seeing them accomplish new things.  I love making them laugh and smile.  I love being with them. I love teaching them new things and watching them learn. But becoming a mom has also made me question who am I.  (side note: because I just can't leave Lucy out of this, it reminds me of my favorite episode from "I Love Lucy".  She plays a joke on Ricky and pretends to forget who she is and asks him "Who am I? Where am I?" You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjeK-fQn0Tg) I am not just a mom, but because this role consumes most of my life I sometimes feel like I have lost myself.  I struggle daily with wondering how should I be when my children are sleeping.  How should I spend my time?  Do I spend it doing "mom/wife" things like cooking or cleaning?  Or should I be "selfish" and use it to my benefit?  Should I use it to make and explore my flowers?  Should I try something new with wire jewelry?  Should I study my scriptures?  Or the ultimate task ... should I actually shower today?

Becoming who I am these past 20 something years has always been a daunting task I think, but when my time is not necessarily my time anymore it's become even harder.  But at the same time when I look at what I have made myself do after becoming a mom I am quite proud of myself.  Many of you know that I "own" a business (really it's just a hobby that someday I do hope to continue into more).  I don't think I would have started what I did if I hadn't become a mom.

After Sariah was born I was home all day.  By myself.  With nothing to do.  I didn't really have friends (especially after Jenepher left), and being an introvert made it so being alone didn't really bother me ... most of the time.  After creating an awesome kid (no I'm not bragging, it's really true.  She's awesome) there's no doubt why I felt the urge to continue creating.  I realized that I had stifled my creativity.  While growing up I was very creative.  I would make doll houses out of shoe boxes, I drew, I painted.  But my problem was I couldn't just sit down and create something for no reason at all.  So I kind of just stopped as I got older.  I'd do something here and there for school projects but most of the time my creativity was left dormant.  But after Sariah was born and I was at home all day I realized I wanted to make our home look nicer.  I wanted to decorate ... I wanted to *gasp* CRAFT.  For those of that don't know I mocked crafts.  I thought they were stupid and a waste of time.  Until I realized that you could be CREATIVE with crafts and they could fulfill a purpose as well.  Something that I need in my creativity.  I just cannot be a starving artist who paints my emotions on canvas.  I need my creativity to be used.  So long story short I started learning more about different things and more eventually got into wreaths.

So fast forward to now.  I have been doing this for a year in a half almost.  I have come from super crappy flowers to most flowers I'm actually quite happy with.  I've learned a lot and when I create I am happy.  And the best part about it all is that I haven't quit.  If you know me you might know I haven't ever really stuck with something and gone with it.  I kind of flit and float.  Nothing satisfied my attention.  Until now.  If I could I'd spend every waking minute doing what I love. But I restrain myself because other priorities come first. And when I do get some time to work on what I love I feel guilty.  I feel like my spare time should not be to do my own thing, but to vacuum the floor I'm currently sitting on or prepping dinner (which honestly I don't do.  I'm terrible at meal planning it seems).  I feel guilty for being happy.

So friends, random strangers who actually read this, and family ... how do you fulfill your role in society and also fulfill yourself?  If you're a mom how do you balance that mom role but also make sure you are fulfilled?

In the New Testament we are taught about fulfilling our talents.  I feel that this is a talent I want to improve.  I want to become better.  And best of all I feel this talent helps me serve and show love to people around me.  But being a mom is also considered one of the greatest callings here on earth.  How can I be the best of both without the guilt?  And don't say all I need to do is have a schedule and just get all my cleaning done and then I can work on my stuff ... because really ... the cleaning is never, ever done. And schedules don't always stay in place. Just ask Lucy ;) http://www.hulu.com/watch/438050