There have been a lot of posts about marriage and qualities spouses should have and since I LOVE talking about marriage and relationships I thought I'd put my two cents in.
First off these articles had some good ideas. For instance this article talks about looking for good qualities in a potential wife and not be so focused on her being blonde and curvy. Or his wife's article about husband qualities. Both of these articles are both great because they encourage people to focus on something more than just looks or things that will eventually fade. What they don't talk about though is about yourself. People are so concerned about finding the one for them they don't stop to think if they'll be the one for that someone.
Growing up in the LDS church I have noticed it seems to be a standard in Young Women's to make a qualities list that you want in your future husband. Most girls will put "musically inclined", "good with kids", "honest", "cute", etc. Then we're taught how important it is to find a mate with high qualities so that we are able to lead good lives and have a good marriage overall. What doesn't seem to be stressed enough though is that we will only marry as good as we personally are. We need to develop those qualities ourselves first.
You want someone with a strong testimony? Get your own first. You want someone who will serve others? You better learn to want to serve yourself. You can't just assume that these qualities will rub off on to you when you're dating, engaged or married. You have to either be working on them already or have them. People tend to gravitate towards those that they are comfortable around. So if you want to be comfortable around someone awesome, you better become awesome yourself.
When I was single I, of course, had a list in my head. But my list had things that were things I had or standards I already kept. For instance, I wanted someone who was honest. Honesty to me was a huge priority. Not bluntly honest, but honest where you know they have a good heart. You know when they ask them a question they'll be honest, but in a loving way. Sam has that quality. Many people have told me that I had found someone who was good and had a good heart. Of course he's not perfect (because then I wouldn't have even had a chance), but the intent of goodness is always there.
Another thing I had on my list was he can't like watching sports on tv. This one was a big one for me. I got a lot of guff for it too. People thought I was being super picky and that I would never find someone like that. But I felt this quality was very important to me because I wanted a marriage where our relationship would grow based off spending time together doing interests that we each had. And since sports were not of any interest to me I knew it would be difficult for me to be interested in it for someone. Luckily, I held out and Sam doesn't have interest in watching sports :)
Another article that has been going around called "Marriage isn't for you" I thought was also really good. And I agree with what he was saying 100%, but I saw a lot of people were against his opinion. I realized that he may not have expressed his view entirely. A lot of people felt that he was saying that marriage is entirely for your spouse. And that's true to an extent, but marriage is a two way street. You should be happy in your marriage too. The problem is that most people think that marriage will make you happy because yours spouse will be the one to make you happy. Expectations and thoughts going into marriage shouldn't be about how your spouse should be doing this or that. You shouldn't base your happiness on "If only my spouse would give me a back massage I would be happy". You will be happy when you love and serve your spouse. Which is what this article was trying to say. Marriage is for you too, but if you focus it all on you, then you're not going to be happy.
I admit there have been times in my marriage at the beginning where I felt unhappy. Not because I wasn't satisfied with my relationship with Sam or because he loved me any less. My expectations were not ideal. I felt that in order to be happy, Sam should be doing everything I thought husbands should do. And that he should do it without knowing that's what I wanted, like clean our apt before I got home, do the laundry, leave me love notes. Those things surely would make me happy. And they do, but I realized (and still keep having to realize) that if I want to be happy I have to work at making Sam happy. Sam will not ever stop serving me even if I decided to stop serving him. But I wouldn't be happy because I would know deep down that I wasn't giving back. It's strange how when you only receive your heart is less empty than if you continually give back.
So I agree marriage is for your spouse, but it is also for you.
Now I thought I jump on board and give my own list of what you yourself should focus on to have a happy relationship with not only your spouse but anyone.
1. Forgive and forget-Time and time again I have seen people hurt because they hold onto the pain that someone caused them. Whether it the person mean to hurt or not, holding onto that pain can cause a domino effect in your relationships. I'm sure you've heard before that you choose how to react to a situation. But make sure how you're reacting is healthy. It's ok to be sad or hurt about something, but understand that if someone like your spouse really loves you, they probably didn't mean it. So lashing out at them will do nothing but cause more pain and hurt.
2. Serve-There is no better way to show your love for someone else than by serving them. People naturally want to be loved, but tend to fight against people helping them. But when you serve and you allow people to serve you not only is your heart open to them, but they can open their heart to you.
3. Don't judge-More than once I have jumped to a judgment about someone and realized how wrong I was. People are imperfect but that doesn't give anyone the right to judge them and write them off. You more than likely do not know the situation. When you judge someone you also can bring up other negative feelings towards them and try to get others to stand by your opinion of that person. It's not right. Especially don't judge your spouse. They are imperfect just like you. I'm sure you have plenty of "undesirable" qualities that you don't want to be judged on, so don't pick at your spouses.
4. Don't bring others into your disagreements-I put this one up because I feel that it's so important for you to work out a disagreement with someone alone. If you and your spouse don't agree on something, let's say how to discipline your child, and you bring your parent into it, not only will it more than likely make your parent take your side, but it also makes your spouse feel betrayed. You and your spouse should be a united front at all times with all decisions. You're going to disagree at times, but when you come to each other to work it out, in the end you'll have a stronger, healthier relationship.
5. Compliment your spouse- Whether your spouse is the bread winner or the homemaker, compliment them on a job well done with what they do. It lets your spouse know that you not only love them, but that you notice their hard work. And a compliment can go a long way to boost someone to doing better at what they're doing.
6. Be the spouse you want- Don't assume your spouse is automatically going to have an idea of what you want from them. Sometimes the best way is to show them by treating them how you want to be treated. It probably won't magically make them start treating you in the way you want, but it will eventually get there.
7. Assume the good, doubt the bad-This one I took from Elder Holland's talk "How do I love thee?". Focusing on someone's positive attributes helps you forget the bad ones. Obviously when you're choosing someone to marry you need to honestly look at the bad to decide whether it's something you can live with. If it is, then from that point you need to decide to not focus on it in your marriage. Choose to look at your spouse in a positive light by only acknowledging their good traits.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Six things you may not know about me
Yes, I got sucked into the craze of re-posting a status on Facebook. However I'm going it here because I think it'd be more fun to have it on here. Plus I'm not a big fan of putting a lot about myself on Facebook itself.
I got the number 6 from my cousin Tanya. So here goes:
1. Most people don't know this and if I have told them they tend to forget: I am almost entirely deaf in my right ear. I don't usually tell people because 1) I have gotten through my life without making it be a "handicap" in my life that I don't feel it's necessary and 2) people can be really big jerks to me when they find out and I'm not really willing to deal with it.
2. I used to hate doing crafts. Sam actually laughed at me when I asked him about Mod Podge and how to use it. He didn't realize I was serious about it.
3. I refuse to get a Twitter account because it's STUPID. #stupid
4. I always wish I wasn't so shy around people. I really like talking to people but I have a hard time opening up and knowing how to engage people in a conversation. So I usually just wait until they do it.
5. I think bacon is completely overrated. Yes, it's good, but seriously people? You don't need to have it with ice cream or buy bacon smelling deodorant just because it's "cool". It's actually kind of dumb to jump on the bacon bandwagon.
6. I love lists and being organized, but I am not very good at being organized. It's one of my deepest desires to have my home running smoothly and being incredibly organized. I feel like a failure if my home is a mess.
Well there it is.6 things I know you were dying to learn about me.
I got the number 6 from my cousin Tanya. So here goes:
1. Most people don't know this and if I have told them they tend to forget: I am almost entirely deaf in my right ear. I don't usually tell people because 1) I have gotten through my life without making it be a "handicap" in my life that I don't feel it's necessary and 2) people can be really big jerks to me when they find out and I'm not really willing to deal with it.
2. I used to hate doing crafts. Sam actually laughed at me when I asked him about Mod Podge and how to use it. He didn't realize I was serious about it.
3. I refuse to get a Twitter account because it's STUPID. #stupid
4. I always wish I wasn't so shy around people. I really like talking to people but I have a hard time opening up and knowing how to engage people in a conversation. So I usually just wait until they do it.
5. I think bacon is completely overrated. Yes, it's good, but seriously people? You don't need to have it with ice cream or buy bacon smelling deodorant just because it's "cool". It's actually kind of dumb to jump on the bacon bandwagon.
6. I love lists and being organized, but I am not very good at being organized. It's one of my deepest desires to have my home running smoothly and being incredibly organized. I feel like a failure if my home is a mess.
Well there it is.6 things I know you were dying to learn about me.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Mean Mom
I just read an article called 12 ways to be the meanest mom in the world and I think it's awesome. Below I posted the 12 ways and my take on them through my own experience and also my (and Sam's) expectations of our kids.
1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time. This one, as you avid readers know, I'm dealing with right now. Not only is it so important for your kids to get the sleep (because no one likes a grumpy kid), but it's soooooooo nice to get some me time for a couple hours. Before Little Girl was going to bed around 9, which is really when Sam and I should be going to bed too. But we would stay up after 9 just to do stuff. But now that we've gotten her to go to bed between 630-8, we have time when we're not completely exhausted to focus on ourselves and each other. So really it helps both sides.
2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. This one I never really thought about before. Maybe because I don't really care? The author had talked about how it shouldn't be every day because it should be a treat. And I do agree with that, however I do feel that you shouldn't let your kid see that restriction. If they're anything like me, once you say you can't have something, you immediately want and crave it. Like right now. I want cookies. And sadly we have none :(
3. Make them pay for their own stuff. I agree with this 100%. My parents had this in place for me growing up. If I wanted something outside of what was already provided then it was my responsibility to get it myself. It has really taught me how to be responsible and get a job, how to pay for college (without going into debt), how to save, etc. I firmly believe that making your kids earn their own money to pay for what they want, they will not only be less greedy in the long run, but also be able to really value what they actually need and have. They will take pride in their possessions because they don't want them ruined after working so hard to get it. And I also think they will learn the value of buying used and either dealing with it being used or learning how to make it better. This is one I feel I have worked on lately. New isn't necessarily better. And it's so much more fun to make things from the old!
4. Don’t pull strings. I agree with this ... at times. The author basically said don't always go up to bat for you kid if they don't like their teacher, their science project partner, or the grade they got on a project, etc. to get them what they want. And I do agree you should let your kid deal with situations they don't like, but only do it AFTER you have figured out why they don't like it. If there is a legit reason for your kid to not like something I think it's fine to pull some strings to get them out of that situation. But maybe that's just me.
5. Make them do hard things. I will probably be a pro at this because I'm mean :) And because they will learn so much better if they have to figure out how to do something on their own. I know I have.
6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. I never thought about this before to help your kid learn to be on time. Probably because I hate being late to things already so I've always tried to manage my time (although adding a baby to the equation really threw it off for awhile). I think though that this wouldn't really be an efficient way to teach your child how to really learn about being ready on time or managing their time. I think a good dose of reality would work better. Let them personally figure out why it's important to manage their time by having negative consequences if they are late or don't get things done that they could have in the time given. Because really ... what kid is going to not lose their watch? I hate wearing watches.
7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. Oh this lesson has been planned by Sam and me for forever. I'm quite excited to teach my child that they don't need new stuff or new junk to be happy. And if they want the latest and greatest they shall buy it themselves.
8. Let them feel loss. This goes back to making them pay for their stuff for me. The author says to not buy them a new toy if they broke the old one. This is a perfect way to teach them how to fix up what is broken or used.
9. Control media. Honestly I'm not sure what some parents are thinking when they allow their children to watch/play certain things. In my home growing up we didn't even have video games. Something that I am going to happily continue. I am going to step up on my soapbox: I HATE video games. I hate them so much. I do not feel they are a productive use of time or energy. They are addicting and don't really do anything to help you grow. Yes, I understand hobbies/games are fun. But there are so many more things your child can do that in the long run will help him develop his talents, personality, etc. This kind of goes for other computer games too. I admit for awhile I played Candy Crush (usually though when I was nursing Little Girl because it was the easiest thing to do). But I finally deleted it from my phone because I realized it was wasting my time, making me more frustrated, and it wasn't appropriate for me to play when I had other things to do. So I get that it can be hard, but do I feel out of sorts not that I've stopped playing it? Nope! I haven't even thought about it.
TV also is a detrimental thing for you kids. Not because it rots your brain, but really it rots your time. I don't think it's bad to watch it every day, but all day? Or just watching whatever is on? I love watching my favorite shows, but I also love reading, crafting, and painting and I can't develop those things watching TV all the time. I want my kids to develop their talents. I really wish I had done that growing up more. I have had so much fun learning to be creative.
Ok soapbox done.
10. Make them apologize. This one of course just goes back to common courtesy (as does the next one). If there is one thing I want my child to learn before they are on their own it is to be responsible for their actions and to be courteous to those around them. Nothing makes me more mad when someone doesn't seem to care about others feelings or says/does something that is selfish and rude. I don't want to get on my soapbox for this one, but I think everyone could think more about the person next to them instead of themselves.
11. Mind their manners. Again, be respectful and courteous. It makes you happy
12. Make them work — for free. Chores! Muhahaha! And of course service. I hope that I can teach my kids to look at those in need and ask what they can do to help. It is something I myself try to do all the time because I firmly believe that you should be always trying to serve others. Not only because it's nice, but it's also a way to show love and that you care. And everyone knows what it feels like to be unloved at some point in their life.
1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time. This one, as you avid readers know, I'm dealing with right now. Not only is it so important for your kids to get the sleep (because no one likes a grumpy kid), but it's soooooooo nice to get some me time for a couple hours. Before Little Girl was going to bed around 9, which is really when Sam and I should be going to bed too. But we would stay up after 9 just to do stuff. But now that we've gotten her to go to bed between 630-8, we have time when we're not completely exhausted to focus on ourselves and each other. So really it helps both sides.
2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. This one I never really thought about before. Maybe because I don't really care? The author had talked about how it shouldn't be every day because it should be a treat. And I do agree with that, however I do feel that you shouldn't let your kid see that restriction. If they're anything like me, once you say you can't have something, you immediately want and crave it. Like right now. I want cookies. And sadly we have none :(
3. Make them pay for their own stuff. I agree with this 100%. My parents had this in place for me growing up. If I wanted something outside of what was already provided then it was my responsibility to get it myself. It has really taught me how to be responsible and get a job, how to pay for college (without going into debt), how to save, etc. I firmly believe that making your kids earn their own money to pay for what they want, they will not only be less greedy in the long run, but also be able to really value what they actually need and have. They will take pride in their possessions because they don't want them ruined after working so hard to get it. And I also think they will learn the value of buying used and either dealing with it being used or learning how to make it better. This is one I feel I have worked on lately. New isn't necessarily better. And it's so much more fun to make things from the old!
4. Don’t pull strings. I agree with this ... at times. The author basically said don't always go up to bat for you kid if they don't like their teacher, their science project partner, or the grade they got on a project, etc. to get them what they want. And I do agree you should let your kid deal with situations they don't like, but only do it AFTER you have figured out why they don't like it. If there is a legit reason for your kid to not like something I think it's fine to pull some strings to get them out of that situation. But maybe that's just me.
5. Make them do hard things. I will probably be a pro at this because I'm mean :) And because they will learn so much better if they have to figure out how to do something on their own. I know I have.
6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. I never thought about this before to help your kid learn to be on time. Probably because I hate being late to things already so I've always tried to manage my time (although adding a baby to the equation really threw it off for awhile). I think though that this wouldn't really be an efficient way to teach your child how to really learn about being ready on time or managing their time. I think a good dose of reality would work better. Let them personally figure out why it's important to manage their time by having negative consequences if they are late or don't get things done that they could have in the time given. Because really ... what kid is going to not lose their watch? I hate wearing watches.
7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. Oh this lesson has been planned by Sam and me for forever. I'm quite excited to teach my child that they don't need new stuff or new junk to be happy. And if they want the latest and greatest they shall buy it themselves.
8. Let them feel loss. This goes back to making them pay for their stuff for me. The author says to not buy them a new toy if they broke the old one. This is a perfect way to teach them how to fix up what is broken or used.
9. Control media. Honestly I'm not sure what some parents are thinking when they allow their children to watch/play certain things. In my home growing up we didn't even have video games. Something that I am going to happily continue. I am going to step up on my soapbox: I HATE video games. I hate them so much. I do not feel they are a productive use of time or energy. They are addicting and don't really do anything to help you grow. Yes, I understand hobbies/games are fun. But there are so many more things your child can do that in the long run will help him develop his talents, personality, etc. This kind of goes for other computer games too. I admit for awhile I played Candy Crush (usually though when I was nursing Little Girl because it was the easiest thing to do). But I finally deleted it from my phone because I realized it was wasting my time, making me more frustrated, and it wasn't appropriate for me to play when I had other things to do. So I get that it can be hard, but do I feel out of sorts not that I've stopped playing it? Nope! I haven't even thought about it.
TV also is a detrimental thing for you kids. Not because it rots your brain, but really it rots your time. I don't think it's bad to watch it every day, but all day? Or just watching whatever is on? I love watching my favorite shows, but I also love reading, crafting, and painting and I can't develop those things watching TV all the time. I want my kids to develop their talents. I really wish I had done that growing up more. I have had so much fun learning to be creative.
Ok soapbox done.
10. Make them apologize. This one of course just goes back to common courtesy (as does the next one). If there is one thing I want my child to learn before they are on their own it is to be responsible for their actions and to be courteous to those around them. Nothing makes me more mad when someone doesn't seem to care about others feelings or says/does something that is selfish and rude. I don't want to get on my soapbox for this one, but I think everyone could think more about the person next to them instead of themselves.
11. Mind their manners. Again, be respectful and courteous. It makes you happy
12. Make them work — for free. Chores! Muhahaha! And of course service. I hope that I can teach my kids to look at those in need and ask what they can do to help. It is something I myself try to do all the time because I firmly believe that you should be always trying to serve others. Not only because it's nice, but it's also a way to show love and that you care. And everyone knows what it feels like to be unloved at some point in their life.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Phase 1 of sleep
I finally finished reading the No-cry book that I've talked about before (ok that's a lie I didn't completely finish it. The end was stuff that I didn't really feel was necessary to read right now). And I'm excited to get started for real. I've been attempting sleep training every day but I think to really get started I have to get Sam now up to date with what he needs to do. Last night he was putting her to bed (she seems to do better with him for bedtime) and I had forgotten to tell him that I switched gears and we weren't going to let her cry it out. So he just put her in the crib awake and tried to soothe her while she was crying. So once he's up to date with what we need to do I think it will go a lot smoother. But it's going to take time and a lot of patience.
No-cry has phases that parents work through to slowly get their baby to learn how to sleep on their own. Phase 1 is all about getting your baby to be falling asleep (not sleepy but actually on the brink of dreams) but not actually asleep before you put them in their crib. It's quite a tough balance to know when she's falling asleep and asleep sometimes. Also, when I finally do get to that perfect she's almost asleep but still aware it is soooooo freaking hard to put her in her crib and not completely wake her up. This is mostly due to me not being tall enough. I literally have to stand on my tip toes and bend as far as a I can to set her down and I still end up slightly dropping her sometimes, instead of gently setting her down (OR she is still almost asleep and she flips herself over and starts to crawl which wakes her up. Crazy child just sleep! ).
If your baby wakes back up the author says to start over again until you get her to fall asleep in her crib or until you're too frustrated with the situation. Then you just get your baby to fall asleep completely so you'll at least get some sleep and a break. I really like that she gives you the ok to work with your situation and your child. Nothing aggravates me more than when some "expert" says you just have to do it. Or you won't ever get your child to sleep. No breaks, no giving in. Don't pick up your child when they're crying. They're just going to learn when they cry you'll come running! Well ... isn't that the point of crying?
I know that since I'm her mom I should be able to do what I want and feel is right, but when you don't even know what you're doing sometimes you just want someone to tell you what to do. Or you've just heard over and over that doing something one way is wrong and so you feel guilty if you do that something. Like nursing your baby to sleep. I do it all the time even though the "experts" say you shouldn't. But it's easier said than done if you have a newborn who falls asleep all the time when you nurse. Or it's your only relief from them crying. No-cry says go for it. If that's what helps your baby at the moment then do it without feeling guilty.
It's much better for my relationship with Little Girl to be able to slowly change how she sleeps than to completely shut her off from what she's used to. We don't do that to crack addicts do we? We give them time and a rehab to get through their addiction and they still have setbacks even with success! So why on earth would I tell my baby, um no from now on you're going to go to sleep in your crib without me rocking you or nursing. You're just going to have to deal with it because you're 6 months old now and you're old enough to learn. So just tough it out kid. I can't. Which is why I love this book's approach. Slow and steady. Take breaks when needed. You're not going to ruin the progress you've made if you have one bad night and give up for that night.
Ok, I feel now I'm being mean to those that might be ok with letting their baby to cry it out. So I just want to put this out there: Don't think I think you're wrong with your parenting, because you're not. You're not a bad parent. I promise, I just feel that for me my approach has to be slow. Just think of yourselves as those that can go cold turkey on cigarettes. Not a bad thing because some just need to go cold turkey for it to work. I'm just the crack addict who needs rehab and weaning ... slow weaning.
Reading this book and then also reading Intuitive Eating has really helped me realize how good slow and steady really can be sometimes. In a world where we want results quickly, it can be hard when they don't come with your quick fix approach. But with these two programs they focus on slow and steady because in the end those results will be lasting (hopefully!) because you're thinking has changed. Your view about certain things have improved. You learn to accept change better and accept your faults because you realize it's a work in progress. It's not necessary to be perfect quickly or sometimes ever. It's important to just learn and grow.
No-cry has phases that parents work through to slowly get their baby to learn how to sleep on their own. Phase 1 is all about getting your baby to be falling asleep (not sleepy but actually on the brink of dreams) but not actually asleep before you put them in their crib. It's quite a tough balance to know when she's falling asleep and asleep sometimes. Also, when I finally do get to that perfect she's almost asleep but still aware it is soooooo freaking hard to put her in her crib and not completely wake her up. This is mostly due to me not being tall enough. I literally have to stand on my tip toes and bend as far as a I can to set her down and I still end up slightly dropping her sometimes, instead of gently setting her down (OR she is still almost asleep and she flips herself over and starts to crawl which wakes her up. Crazy child just sleep! ).
If your baby wakes back up the author says to start over again until you get her to fall asleep in her crib or until you're too frustrated with the situation. Then you just get your baby to fall asleep completely so you'll at least get some sleep and a break. I really like that she gives you the ok to work with your situation and your child. Nothing aggravates me more than when some "expert" says you just have to do it. Or you won't ever get your child to sleep. No breaks, no giving in. Don't pick up your child when they're crying. They're just going to learn when they cry you'll come running! Well ... isn't that the point of crying?
I know that since I'm her mom I should be able to do what I want and feel is right, but when you don't even know what you're doing sometimes you just want someone to tell you what to do. Or you've just heard over and over that doing something one way is wrong and so you feel guilty if you do that something. Like nursing your baby to sleep. I do it all the time even though the "experts" say you shouldn't. But it's easier said than done if you have a newborn who falls asleep all the time when you nurse. Or it's your only relief from them crying. No-cry says go for it. If that's what helps your baby at the moment then do it without feeling guilty.
It's much better for my relationship with Little Girl to be able to slowly change how she sleeps than to completely shut her off from what she's used to. We don't do that to crack addicts do we? We give them time and a rehab to get through their addiction and they still have setbacks even with success! So why on earth would I tell my baby, um no from now on you're going to go to sleep in your crib without me rocking you or nursing. You're just going to have to deal with it because you're 6 months old now and you're old enough to learn. So just tough it out kid. I can't. Which is why I love this book's approach. Slow and steady. Take breaks when needed. You're not going to ruin the progress you've made if you have one bad night and give up for that night.
Ok, I feel now I'm being mean to those that might be ok with letting their baby to cry it out. So I just want to put this out there: Don't think I think you're wrong with your parenting, because you're not. You're not a bad parent. I promise, I just feel that for me my approach has to be slow. Just think of yourselves as those that can go cold turkey on cigarettes. Not a bad thing because some just need to go cold turkey for it to work. I'm just the crack addict who needs rehab and weaning ... slow weaning.
Reading this book and then also reading Intuitive Eating has really helped me realize how good slow and steady really can be sometimes. In a world where we want results quickly, it can be hard when they don't come with your quick fix approach. But with these two programs they focus on slow and steady because in the end those results will be lasting (hopefully!) because you're thinking has changed. Your view about certain things have improved. You learn to accept change better and accept your faults because you realize it's a work in progress. It's not necessary to be perfect quickly or sometimes ever. It's important to just learn and grow.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Intuitive eating
So I mentioned in another post that I was going to some nutrition consultations at BYU to help me get back on track with eating and my weight. My consultant is a student at BYU named Genevieve, and she is quite awesome! I went in thinking I was going to have someone give me a feeding schedule of so many calories and I had to eat all-bran cereal with raisins on top (Yuck!). But she actually has approached it quite differently and I feel like it's been such a break through not only with eating but with other aspects of my life. She had me start reading this book called Intuitive Eating and it is AMAZING. Seriously, if you have desires to eat better or to change your relationship with food this is the book for you!
Ok, so I have gotten too far into yet but even just what I've read has really helped me step back and examine my relationship with food and society. The book is set up into 10 principles to help you step back and examine your relationship with food. Each principle is supposed to help you get to the point where you are eating intuitively for your body, NOT for the rules of society.
This book started because these two dieticians would have patients who, under their watch, would lose weight. But then after leaving their care would eventually gain it back. Their patients would be upset because they couldn't keep weight off no matter how hard they tried. They kept getting sucked back into the world of delicious food. So the dieticians decided to re-examine nutrition and how it went with dieting and eating. They came up with this idea about how our society has really ruined eating for us food lovers. You can only eat so many calories, carbs, grams of fat, etc. each day so that your body will be thinner. Except our bodies' cells are programmed for famines so when you go crazy after a week of dieting you binge and your cells cling to that delicious donut because they have no idea when they'll get another one.
This book brings back to us how to learn to intuitively eat for our body. It teaches about how it's ok to eat something you're craving, because in the long run it's healthier if you give into your craving for ice cream because you'll more than likely eat less when you allow yourself to eat what you want. If you've dieted you know exactly how it goes when you won't allow yourself to eat something. You automatically crave it like a crazy pregnant woman. You want it so bad that by the time you allow yourself to have it you eat at least twice of what probably actually wanted. And then you go lie on the floor and moan about how you'll never eat chocolate again (even though you know you'll binge on it again next week).
So... are you interested in what the principles are? I thought it would be helpful to me if I post about each one after I read about it so if you're interested in taking back your body from the food police (also known as the society we live in), then sit anxiously on the edge of your seat my friend for each post. I'll give you the principles below with their brief bios so you can get to know them before becoming friends with them.
1. Reject the diet mentality (this what I'm reading about now!)
Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.
2. Honor your hunger
Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.
3. Make peace with food
Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build uncontrollable cravings and, often, binging. When you finally "give in" to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.
4. Challenge the Food Police
Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating minimal calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created. The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating
5. Respect your fullness
Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fulness level?
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
In our fury to be thing and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence-- the please and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decided you've had "enough".
7. Honor your feelings without using food
Find ways to comfort, nurture, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience in life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. IT may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.
8. Respect your body
Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. IT's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.
9. Exercise--Feel the difference
Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.
10. Honor your health-Gentle nutrition
Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistenly over time that matters. Progress not perfection is what counts.
Stay tuned!
Ok, so I have gotten too far into yet but even just what I've read has really helped me step back and examine my relationship with food and society. The book is set up into 10 principles to help you step back and examine your relationship with food. Each principle is supposed to help you get to the point where you are eating intuitively for your body, NOT for the rules of society.
This book started because these two dieticians would have patients who, under their watch, would lose weight. But then after leaving their care would eventually gain it back. Their patients would be upset because they couldn't keep weight off no matter how hard they tried. They kept getting sucked back into the world of delicious food. So the dieticians decided to re-examine nutrition and how it went with dieting and eating. They came up with this idea about how our society has really ruined eating for us food lovers. You can only eat so many calories, carbs, grams of fat, etc. each day so that your body will be thinner. Except our bodies' cells are programmed for famines so when you go crazy after a week of dieting you binge and your cells cling to that delicious donut because they have no idea when they'll get another one.
This book brings back to us how to learn to intuitively eat for our body. It teaches about how it's ok to eat something you're craving, because in the long run it's healthier if you give into your craving for ice cream because you'll more than likely eat less when you allow yourself to eat what you want. If you've dieted you know exactly how it goes when you won't allow yourself to eat something. You automatically crave it like a crazy pregnant woman. You want it so bad that by the time you allow yourself to have it you eat at least twice of what probably actually wanted. And then you go lie on the floor and moan about how you'll never eat chocolate again (even though you know you'll binge on it again next week).
So... are you interested in what the principles are? I thought it would be helpful to me if I post about each one after I read about it so if you're interested in taking back your body from the food police (also known as the society we live in), then sit anxiously on the edge of your seat my friend for each post. I'll give you the principles below with their brief bios so you can get to know them before becoming friends with them.
1. Reject the diet mentality (this what I'm reading about now!)
Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.
2. Honor your hunger
Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.
3. Make peace with food
Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build uncontrollable cravings and, often, binging. When you finally "give in" to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.
4. Challenge the Food Police
Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating minimal calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created. The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating
5. Respect your fullness
Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fulness level?
6. Discover the satisfaction factor
In our fury to be thing and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence-- the please and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decided you've had "enough".
7. Honor your feelings without using food
Find ways to comfort, nurture, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience in life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. IT may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.
8. Respect your body
Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. IT's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.
9. Exercise--Feel the difference
Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.
10. Honor your health-Gentle nutrition
Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistenly over time that matters. Progress not perfection is what counts.
Stay tuned!
Naptime success
I just wanted to post this because it felt so good to be successful with something. Don't feel like you have to read this!
So today was the first day of real attempts for an actual designated naptime. And it was a success! Probably because I started the process of going down for a nap an hour early ... I want Little Girl to have a morning nap between 9 and 9:30 (I wanted a range because she's not consistent at waking up at 8 anymore. Now it's usually seven to 8). So at 8 after she ate for the second time we changed her diaper and went into her room. I let her explore while I reorganized her clothes. I turned on some piano music so that it would be relaxing in her room.
About 10 minutes to 9 I stopped what I was doing, turned the light off and picked her up and sat in our rocking chair. She was not having it though. She squirmed and wrestled. So I stood up instead and bounced her. She still wasn't incredibly happy though. I swear everything that is supposed to relax a baby she hates. She doesn't like to be cuddled or have her back rubbed. She doesn't calm down when I sing or rock her either. It can be incredibly frustrating.
In the No-cry book it says you should have a few sleep words, like 'night-night', or 'shh' and you should only say them when your baby is relaxed so they associate the words with being relaxed. I actually had tried doing that in the past with the word 'relax' but I was using it when she was squirmy and loud. So today I used that word and alternated with 'shh shh' when she was quiet and still and it worked! After the first like 15 minutes of trying to get her to nap she was squirming and whining, but once I started using the words while she was somewhat quiet she calmed right down and fell asleep within five minutes. It was glorious to have some control. And not that I don't have control as a mom, but there are days where I just hate the fight for her to sleep.
So today was the first day of real attempts for an actual designated naptime. And it was a success! Probably because I started the process of going down for a nap an hour early ... I want Little Girl to have a morning nap between 9 and 9:30 (I wanted a range because she's not consistent at waking up at 8 anymore. Now it's usually seven to 8). So at 8 after she ate for the second time we changed her diaper and went into her room. I let her explore while I reorganized her clothes. I turned on some piano music so that it would be relaxing in her room.
About 10 minutes to 9 I stopped what I was doing, turned the light off and picked her up and sat in our rocking chair. She was not having it though. She squirmed and wrestled. So I stood up instead and bounced her. She still wasn't incredibly happy though. I swear everything that is supposed to relax a baby she hates. She doesn't like to be cuddled or have her back rubbed. She doesn't calm down when I sing or rock her either. It can be incredibly frustrating.
In the No-cry book it says you should have a few sleep words, like 'night-night', or 'shh' and you should only say them when your baby is relaxed so they associate the words with being relaxed. I actually had tried doing that in the past with the word 'relax' but I was using it when she was squirmy and loud. So today I used that word and alternated with 'shh shh' when she was quiet and still and it worked! After the first like 15 minutes of trying to get her to nap she was squirming and whining, but once I started using the words while she was somewhat quiet she calmed right down and fell asleep within five minutes. It was glorious to have some control. And not that I don't have control as a mom, but there are days where I just hate the fight for her to sleep.
The hardest job
Being a mom is hard. And I knew that it would be from the beginning it would be, but I think the hardest thing about it is because I feel that there are so many opinions about how to raise your kids that if you do one thing you feel guilty because someone thinks it's wrong. I read a blog post on the Matt Walsh blog about this yesterday and it's really very true. There are so many different ways to parent a child that are successful that unless there is actual detrimental harm to a child's growth you really shouldn't judge.
I remember before Little Girl was even a twinkle that I had many thoughts and ideas about how I was going to raise my children. But now that I have her some of those ideas have changed. Not because they were wrong but because I have changed and because I now know her. For instance, I thought I would rock her to sleep every night singing lullabies. I was going to take her to the park everyday. I was going to teach her how to clap. But guess what? I don't do any of those very well. She doesn't want to sit on my lap and let me rock her. She prefers Sam to read to her. And I admit I am kind of lazy about that whole park thing ... probably because all she would do is eat the wood chips and that's not my idea of fun (especially when she can just eat Sam's plants at home). And clapping? She'd rather crawl and play. Why waste your time smacking your hands together for no reason at all?
I do still have my core values/ideas that I will raise her with. I will raise her to be respectful and kind. I will raise her to sit quietly when appropriate and not to run around during Sacrament. I will teach her how to clean her room and the rest of the house. Why will I do these things? Because these will help her develop her character and be less selfish than her mom. I want her to be someone that knows they are talented and wonderful without being stuck up. To be not be a doormat for others' gain, but forgiving to those that have used her badly.
Ultimately though I want to raise her by the Spirit. Since I have been going through this sleep training I have learned a lot about my values in raising Little Girl. At first I was trying to go by the words of those educated in sleep and other moms' experience. And it was frustrating! Not that they weren't right or didn't have some truth to what they were saying, but it wasn't feeling right to me or working. It wasn't until I kept feeling like I should quit one approach and go with something else that things have seemed to improve. I will still ask for advice from other moms' because I believe that's a great place to start. Who else knows better than a mom who has gone through something similar? But I will also take their advice sift through it, pick out what I like, pray and make my own solution through the Spirit.
So if someone tells me that I'm doing things wrong or too late, I need to learn to just smile and say "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing."
I remember before Little Girl was even a twinkle that I had many thoughts and ideas about how I was going to raise my children. But now that I have her some of those ideas have changed. Not because they were wrong but because I have changed and because I now know her. For instance, I thought I would rock her to sleep every night singing lullabies. I was going to take her to the park everyday. I was going to teach her how to clap. But guess what? I don't do any of those very well. She doesn't want to sit on my lap and let me rock her. She prefers Sam to read to her. And I admit I am kind of lazy about that whole park thing ... probably because all she would do is eat the wood chips and that's not my idea of fun (especially when she can just eat Sam's plants at home). And clapping? She'd rather crawl and play. Why waste your time smacking your hands together for no reason at all?
I do still have my core values/ideas that I will raise her with. I will raise her to be respectful and kind. I will raise her to sit quietly when appropriate and not to run around during Sacrament. I will teach her how to clean her room and the rest of the house. Why will I do these things? Because these will help her develop her character and be less selfish than her mom. I want her to be someone that knows they are talented and wonderful without being stuck up. To be not be a doormat for others' gain, but forgiving to those that have used her badly.
Ultimately though I want to raise her by the Spirit. Since I have been going through this sleep training I have learned a lot about my values in raising Little Girl. At first I was trying to go by the words of those educated in sleep and other moms' experience. And it was frustrating! Not that they weren't right or didn't have some truth to what they were saying, but it wasn't feeling right to me or working. It wasn't until I kept feeling like I should quit one approach and go with something else that things have seemed to improve. I will still ask for advice from other moms' because I believe that's a great place to start. Who else knows better than a mom who has gone through something similar? But I will also take their advice sift through it, pick out what I like, pray and make my own solution through the Spirit.
So if someone tells me that I'm doing things wrong or too late, I need to learn to just smile and say "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing."
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sleep training-"Is your heart made of stone?"
So .... I thought we got lucky with Little Girl and her sleeping. She slept all the time as a newborn (even through the night on her first night home :/) and through the night once she hit about two months (speaking of sleeping through the night, your baby actually is considered to sleep through the night if they have slept a 5 hour stretch from usually midnight to 5 am). Then about a month and a half ago she started having the hardest time sleeping through the night. It has been awful! The only way we could get her to go back to sleep was to have her sleep on our chest on the couch. But even then it was miserable. So I decided I needed to do something about it. I checked out a bunch of books about sleep habits and helping your baby sleep through the night and I'm slowly going through them.
I started first with the book called Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi Mindell. At first I was really excited. I agreed with most of what she wrote about at first, which was about our sleep patterns while sleeping and how babies need more sleep and how their patterns are different from adults until about six months of age. I knew that babies needed more but I didn't realize that their patterns were different. They tend to have more of a "light" sleep than deep sleep so they can wake up easier when needed.
I also learned more about routines for babies. I knew a routine was probably important but I have never been good at that, especially becoming a mom and trying to just survive every day. After Little Girl was born I never really got into a habit of waking up, eating, and doing general things at the same time. I just figured I'd go with her flow. I didn't realize she needed more structure than that.
After getting through how babies need a routine Mindell started talking about how you need to let your baby cry it out sometimes after putting them down to sleep. Reading this made my stomach queasy. Sam and I had tried a cry out training when she was about 5 months and we couldn't stomach it after two nights. And no offense to those that have stuck it out, but how can you stomach it? It kept reminding me of that show Reba. There was an episode where Cheyenne was dealing with her baby crying when needing to sleep. Reba keeps telling her that she needs to let her cry it out but Cheyenne doesn't think it feels right to her. I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
After posting about our dilemma on Facebook last week, I had a few people tell me that I just needed to let her cry some. I didn't like it though. She's my baby and I don't feel that her crying was really helping her learn how to sleep. And as Van says (in jest) "Is your heart made of stone?". Crying it out was not the answer for us. So yesterday after really thinking about it and what I had read, I prayed and then decided to switch to another book called The No-cry Sleep Solution. I haven't finished it but so far I have felt so good about it. She isn't a sleep expert, just a mom (and parent educator) who after having four kids of her own (with two that slept awful through the night) thought there had to be another way to either letting your kid cry it out or just dealing with it. So when her youngest was 12 months she begin her own research by reading what others had to say about babies sleeping and her own experience and came up her own program for teaching your baby to learn how to sleep.
She has it split into two sections. Newborns to 4 months and then 4 months to about 2 years old. The first section is about setting up good habits for your baby so that they slowly grow into a good sleeping pattern. I have just barely started reading the second section and so far relearned about routines for babies. One thing that I really liked though was routine for bedtime vs. naptime. In the Sleeping Through the Night book Mindell says you should have the same routine as bedtime for naptime just shortened a little bit. I didn't really like that idea though. I felt that would confuse Little Girl if I did the exact same thing (especially since for our bedtime routine it's just a diaper change, pj's, prayer, book, bed). However, in the No-cry book she talks about having a routine but make it different than bedtime. I love that!
Honestly I wish I had read this book when I first was pregnant right before having Little Girl. I think just being able to focus my mind on good habits for day and night time before having a baby would have really helped. But my mind was so fuzzy after having her and then time has just passed where she was a great sleeper, that I just didn't think it necessary. After the month of terrible sleep I read some stuff about sleep training and I implemented a routine for Little Girl this past week for bedtime which was also reinforced in both books I have been reading. It's still a little slow going especially because I still haven't finished the book but I really feel that this is a better way to go. It will be a much slower process, but isn't that the point? Good things take time to implement and be successful (plus I still have more books to read to really establish what I feel to be right).
And as Reba says "Nobody ... know[s] what's right for your baby more than you do."
I started first with the book called Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi Mindell. At first I was really excited. I agreed with most of what she wrote about at first, which was about our sleep patterns while sleeping and how babies need more sleep and how their patterns are different from adults until about six months of age. I knew that babies needed more but I didn't realize that their patterns were different. They tend to have more of a "light" sleep than deep sleep so they can wake up easier when needed.
I also learned more about routines for babies. I knew a routine was probably important but I have never been good at that, especially becoming a mom and trying to just survive every day. After Little Girl was born I never really got into a habit of waking up, eating, and doing general things at the same time. I just figured I'd go with her flow. I didn't realize she needed more structure than that.
After getting through how babies need a routine Mindell started talking about how you need to let your baby cry it out sometimes after putting them down to sleep. Reading this made my stomach queasy. Sam and I had tried a cry out training when she was about 5 months and we couldn't stomach it after two nights. And no offense to those that have stuck it out, but how can you stomach it? It kept reminding me of that show Reba. There was an episode where Cheyenne was dealing with her baby crying when needing to sleep. Reba keeps telling her that she needs to let her cry it out but Cheyenne doesn't think it feels right to her. I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
After posting about our dilemma on Facebook last week, I had a few people tell me that I just needed to let her cry some. I didn't like it though. She's my baby and I don't feel that her crying was really helping her learn how to sleep. And as Van says (in jest) "Is your heart made of stone?". Crying it out was not the answer for us. So yesterday after really thinking about it and what I had read, I prayed and then decided to switch to another book called The No-cry Sleep Solution. I haven't finished it but so far I have felt so good about it. She isn't a sleep expert, just a mom (and parent educator) who after having four kids of her own (with two that slept awful through the night) thought there had to be another way to either letting your kid cry it out or just dealing with it. So when her youngest was 12 months she begin her own research by reading what others had to say about babies sleeping and her own experience and came up her own program for teaching your baby to learn how to sleep.
She has it split into two sections. Newborns to 4 months and then 4 months to about 2 years old. The first section is about setting up good habits for your baby so that they slowly grow into a good sleeping pattern. I have just barely started reading the second section and so far relearned about routines for babies. One thing that I really liked though was routine for bedtime vs. naptime. In the Sleeping Through the Night book Mindell says you should have the same routine as bedtime for naptime just shortened a little bit. I didn't really like that idea though. I felt that would confuse Little Girl if I did the exact same thing (especially since for our bedtime routine it's just a diaper change, pj's, prayer, book, bed). However, in the No-cry book she talks about having a routine but make it different than bedtime. I love that!
Honestly I wish I had read this book when I first was pregnant right before having Little Girl. I think just being able to focus my mind on good habits for day and night time before having a baby would have really helped. But my mind was so fuzzy after having her and then time has just passed where she was a great sleeper, that I just didn't think it necessary. After the month of terrible sleep I read some stuff about sleep training and I implemented a routine for Little Girl this past week for bedtime which was also reinforced in both books I have been reading. It's still a little slow going especially because I still haven't finished the book but I really feel that this is a better way to go. It will be a much slower process, but isn't that the point? Good things take time to implement and be successful (plus I still have more books to read to really establish what I feel to be right).
And as Reba says "Nobody ... know[s] what's right for your baby more than you do."
Gerber baby photo contest!!
Yesterday started the voting for the Gerber photo contest. I secretly really hope that Little Girl wins, but that of course will be entirely up to those who vote. Everyone can vote everyday so if you haven't voted yet today vote for her! Go here--> Gerber photo contest to vote! Her ID# is 244904. You know you want to vote!
Be ye therefore perfect
So, as most women, I have always struggled with my self-worth. I measure myself up to those around me and usually find myself lacking in some way. I'm too fat, my hair isn't pretty enough, I can't form as eloquent a sentence as the other person in class, I'm too quiet, not artistic enough, etc. I'm sure many women experience this most days, if not many times in one day. I decided though that I needed to change that. I need to accept myself for who I am and learn to focus on my strengths and talents.
Lately I have been going to these nutrition consultations on BYU campus. At first it was really a way for me to get some help with how to focus on eating healthier so that I could lose weight, but the sessions have really focused on not just eating, but focusing on myself as a whole. It's really made me look at myself and see how I can really enjoy life as me.
As you have seen in other posts I really kind of like to make artistic things, but I tend to over analyze my finished work and see the flaws instead of seeing what a good job I did. Yes, there are a few things that I am pleased with overall, but most of the time I think that it should have turned out better. I think part of the problem is my imagination is just too darn good :) but also that society has trained us, women especially, to portray a perfect lifestyle. It's disgusting really. You have to have the perfect home, perfect clothes, hair, kids, husband, dog, car, Sunday School lesson, cookies, etc. You have to look put together no matter what you're feeling on the inside or you've just failed. At least that's how I've felt in my own life. We used to have neighbors whose apartment was always perfectly clean. It was amazing and I was so jealous! I would look in their window and then turn to Sam and complain about how I wish our apt was always that clean. Even now that I stay home it's never that clean! But I've slowly learned that it's ok. We're not disgusting slobs, we just sometimes have a mess.
Anyways, I have really struggled with this "perfectionist" syndrome for awhile. But then a few weeks ago while I was studying scriptures this amazing revelation came to me. I was reading about being perfect and the Atonement and I really can't explain how, but this thought just popped into my head that being perfect wasn't this instant thing. Now, some of you might be thinking, well duh Erin, we're taught that all the time! And yes we are. Prophets and apostles have taught us that life is a test and we must endure it well. No one is perfect except for the Savior and we will never be perfect without him. This is all perfectly true, but I also realized that I believe we are perfect just by trying again.
Satan wants us to quit and give up trying to be righteous. So when we "fail" at something, whether it's going to the temple, studying our scriptures consistently, spread gossip, etc. we have a choice: either give up on what we "failed" at OR try again! When we try again we become perfected and we are perfect. We learn from our mistake and adjust our course. For some reason this way of thinking really help boost me into realizing that I can be perfect. The Atonement allows us all to try again by repenting of that mistake and going forth with our spirits renewed. I'm not sure why this just now hit me. Maybe Satan has been so good at hiding this simple way of understanding how I can be perfect. But now that I've made this wonderful break through I have to say it's made my life a lot easier. I have a different perspective on mistakes. Instead of thinking, Oh great I've messed up again, or, I'm never going to get this right! I try to remember that being perfect is trying again. It's ok to mess up. Looking back on things I have messed up on and how I have handled it when I had another chance to do better, sometimes I do great and sometimes I'm still needing to keep trying.
Another thing I am also trying to work on is remembering no one else around me is perfect either. Even if they seem to pull off looking like perfection, they are not. They have their own weaknesses and faults they are secretly working on as well. So next time when I pull a comparison game with someone I will try to just acknowledge that they have wonderful qualities and I have wonderful qualities and neither of us is better than the other.
Lately I have been going to these nutrition consultations on BYU campus. At first it was really a way for me to get some help with how to focus on eating healthier so that I could lose weight, but the sessions have really focused on not just eating, but focusing on myself as a whole. It's really made me look at myself and see how I can really enjoy life as me.
As you have seen in other posts I really kind of like to make artistic things, but I tend to over analyze my finished work and see the flaws instead of seeing what a good job I did. Yes, there are a few things that I am pleased with overall, but most of the time I think that it should have turned out better. I think part of the problem is my imagination is just too darn good :) but also that society has trained us, women especially, to portray a perfect lifestyle. It's disgusting really. You have to have the perfect home, perfect clothes, hair, kids, husband, dog, car, Sunday School lesson, cookies, etc. You have to look put together no matter what you're feeling on the inside or you've just failed. At least that's how I've felt in my own life. We used to have neighbors whose apartment was always perfectly clean. It was amazing and I was so jealous! I would look in their window and then turn to Sam and complain about how I wish our apt was always that clean. Even now that I stay home it's never that clean! But I've slowly learned that it's ok. We're not disgusting slobs, we just sometimes have a mess.
Anyways, I have really struggled with this "perfectionist" syndrome for awhile. But then a few weeks ago while I was studying scriptures this amazing revelation came to me. I was reading about being perfect and the Atonement and I really can't explain how, but this thought just popped into my head that being perfect wasn't this instant thing. Now, some of you might be thinking, well duh Erin, we're taught that all the time! And yes we are. Prophets and apostles have taught us that life is a test and we must endure it well. No one is perfect except for the Savior and we will never be perfect without him. This is all perfectly true, but I also realized that I believe we are perfect just by trying again.
Satan wants us to quit and give up trying to be righteous. So when we "fail" at something, whether it's going to the temple, studying our scriptures consistently, spread gossip, etc. we have a choice: either give up on what we "failed" at OR try again! When we try again we become perfected and we are perfect. We learn from our mistake and adjust our course. For some reason this way of thinking really help boost me into realizing that I can be perfect. The Atonement allows us all to try again by repenting of that mistake and going forth with our spirits renewed. I'm not sure why this just now hit me. Maybe Satan has been so good at hiding this simple way of understanding how I can be perfect. But now that I've made this wonderful break through I have to say it's made my life a lot easier. I have a different perspective on mistakes. Instead of thinking, Oh great I've messed up again, or, I'm never going to get this right! I try to remember that being perfect is trying again. It's ok to mess up. Looking back on things I have messed up on and how I have handled it when I had another chance to do better, sometimes I do great and sometimes I'm still needing to keep trying.
Another thing I am also trying to work on is remembering no one else around me is perfect either. Even if they seem to pull off looking like perfection, they are not. They have their own weaknesses and faults they are secretly working on as well. So next time when I pull a comparison game with someone I will try to just acknowledge that they have wonderful qualities and I have wonderful qualities and neither of us is better than the other.
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